Tues ....fun.... meeting with Ryan's p.o. and his Chem Depend Counselor..... it was kind of a monumental meeting for me. I've grown.... I stood up for my opinion and spoke my mind... and did not devalue my opinions by backing down just because someone with authority over my son disagreed with me.

Growing up i was raised to never "talk back" to elders or authority. My parents meant well, but it became a warped ingrained behavior that has kept me in a victim mentality for too many years. I've learned that I can speak my peace and still be respectful. In fact it's a responsibility....to not be a victim. We were all still friends when the meeting was over, so I felt it was a victory.

Ryan was supposed to be in attendance but did not show. He ignored all attempts at contacting him. He ended up not coming home at all that night.

Wednesday - he again ignored attempts to contact. I contacted his p.o. and told him the situation....that I didn't know if I would have Ryan to bring to court on Thursday.

Finally, in the evening he responded to a text. I told him he had court the next day and he texted back that he would be home in time. So, about 11:30 that evening, he called and asked me to pick him up. When he climbed in the car he was sporting a HUGE black eye with a cut. It was extremely swollen.

Thursday - court - A kid that Dustin has been staying with was in court for something. I listened to his case and watched his Mom. She too has two boys, who are friends of my boys, and they're all up to about the same types of "doings".

I went and sat next to her, gave her a hug, offered my number. We are planning on getting together on Saturday for support and prayer. She was very excited to have someone to talk to. She also feels the strain of living in a small town and feeling like you're friends are scared to talk to you because you're situation is too weird.

While sitting in court listening to all the cases, there were a couple of cases where the juveniles were living on their own..... How is that an option I wondered half out of pure curiosity and admittedly, half out of envy....

Ryan's p.o. gave just the bare bones facts of why he thinks Ryan should be incarcerated until his trial date for the probation violations come up. With just the bare bones...it was a very lengthy and compelling argument.

Then the Public Defender spoke on Ryan's behalf and again gave the tired old argument that Ryan has suffered because of the influence of Ted and Dustin. Ted, he hasn't seen but twice in the past year and a half and Dustin was gone for a year, lived with us for two months and is gone......so, I think that argument is weak and tired. I realize Ryan doesn't give him much to work with in the way of defending indefensible behavior.....I just cringe every time I hear him use my other loved ones as scapegoats for Ryan - what's that teaching my son, not to mention all the others in the courtroom......not that the Judge buys any of it anyway.

Also, Ryan has only been home for two weeks and he's out of control already......So, I thought for sure Ryan would be taken into custody. But the Judge was in a good mood. He got creative and set Ryan's trial date for January 14 and said he could go home until then....provided he goes to school, does community service, and stays clean and participate in his treatment. But just one miss and he will have to go to jail and stay there until trial.

He was pretty relieved that he was not going to jail....I know, duh - right....

We went home and he promptly headed off to his chemical dependency group meeting. He was home by 6:30. Today is school, then community service and home by 8pm.

So glad it's Friday!!!!

Dustin tells me that the Doctor cleared him to go to rehab today. Now he'll get a bed date soon and go to rehab again. I think this is the 5th time. Needless to say, I'm no longer naive enough to believe that rehab is the 'be all, end all' answer. Until he's ready, nothing's going to change. He'll be there for 90 days and many great seeds will be planted, I'm sure.
He tells me that the Doctor gave him a very lengthy lecture about changing his lifestyle that he says, "I already know all that" He just really didn't appreciate being lectured.
Speaking of lectures...... Ryan was home from jail for 4 days and tested positive on a UA. So, his PO has file a probation violation on him and we go back to court on Thursday. The last time we were in court the Judge really layed into him for a very loud and long time. He's only been home for two weeks..... I'm not looking forward to this. Then right after court I will be driving Ted to U of W Transplant Ctr to begin the process of getting him on the liver transplant list. I'm not looking forward to spending 8 hours in the car with him ....he has been really pressuring me to let him come home.
I asked a friend to pray for me in my motherhood and she did, then she told me that she felt God wants me to just focus on Him and all the great things He's done and for the great things He's going to do. Just to thank Him for my boys, and not to try and militantly follow books or programs, but to use them as resources - be the mother He uniquely created me to be. That no one knows my sons like I do....each person is different.

Thinking of my Dad today....we call him the King of Cliches.... however...they stuck in our brains.
Today I'm remembering, "It's far easier to avoid getting into trouble than it is to try and get out of it once you're in it"

Ryan - was supposed to start this Monday attending the community college to persue his GED. He did not go on Monday or Tuesday. I'm hoping he did today.


I've been letting him use my cellphone so we can stay in touch. I told him I'd get him his own cellphone for his birthday, but he has to prove that he will not turn the ringer off otherwise it will be a waste of money. I had an alterior motive for wanting to get him a cellphone....then I can get the "family locator" option and know where he is if he doesn't come home by his court appointed curfew. Also, I would be giving him something that matters to him....so I would have a consequence to give him for poor behavior.


Well, he's been using my phone but not answering when either I or his P.O. call. His curfew is 8pm and he came home at Midnight! .... telling me that he's been home for hours....bologney! I asked about school and he said he didn't go. I told him that if he goes to jail, I won't visit because he's picking this.

That family locator would've come in handy - I'm just so sick of chasing people around, plus I really don't want to do anything nice for him right now..... at all! He's been so disrespectful. I keep finding makeshift ashtrays around the house. Number one - he's only 16 and is not supposed to be smoking!!!! Number two - I don't allow myself to smoke inside my house so why should my sixteen year old son be allowed too? Number three - this is not a new battle....don't know what to do......

There are days I just wish I had someone more qualified to hand him over to. I'm at such a loss.

And now things have disappeared. Our XBox vanished and so did $20 from my wallet. On top of that I am always out of socks because he wears all mine - he likes them better.


I am listening to my parenting CDs...The Total Transformation..... I love them.....they're very eye opening.....but it's really hard work to change.....but doing what I'm doing is not working - duh- right....

I am promising myself to spend 15 minutes turning my son over to God in prayer today....and not try to wrestle this on my own.

Is it such a fine line between being efficient and being lazy?

My husband used to tease me for years about being lazy because I preferred to fix his scrambled eggs in the microwave rather than taking the time and making the mess to make them in a frying pan.

I just had coworker tell me she was being lazy for writing a note at the bottom of a page instead of making a photocopy.

I've had another coworker, whose office is on the other side of the building, tell me she was being lazy for calling me instead of walking over to talk to me.

Mother Pain, Wife Depletion, Mother Hopefullness

Last weekend I was going to put boundaries up and tell everyone they would have to manage without me as I intended to take some "me time". Friday night I leisured and played mindless computer games and tried my best to put all "issues" out of mind temporarily.
I got a call from Ted, he needed a ride hme from Spokane... he was being released/kicked out of rehab after 3 weeks because of write ups/medical issues. I drove 90 min to get him and 90 min to take him to his house...fuming the whole way because I was convinced he drummed up more drama to get his way ....which was quitting rehab without it blatantly appearing to be his fault.
So sick of manufactured drama/crises in order to manipulate situations! No matter what the expense and to whom. Forced decisions are so unfair.

I got home about 10 ish and went to bed and stayed in bed until I was good and ready to get up -about 8:30 am. I headed downstairs to make some coffee and got a call. It was Dustin's friend, Joey. He said I needed to come to the hospital. Dustin was in trouble. He od'd. My mouth went dry and I lost all motor skills as I fumbled to get my shoes on and call my Sister.

I got to the hospital and they would not let me back to see him just yet. I tried hard to keep my Joey waited for about an hour with me. Then a couple from Moscow joined me and then my sister came down from Spokane.

It was almost two hours before they let me see Dustin.... He was motionless and freezing cold, and they were manually "bagging" him to keep him breathing. They sent me back out to the waiting room so they could finish putting him on life support. ... then they transferred him to the ICU.

The story was that someone put something in his drink.

Hundreds of people were praying for him. The Doctors told me repeatedly that he would be dead if his friend waited any longer to bring him in. Dustin passed out at 4:30am and his friends threw him in the back and he started puking up blood ....because he inhaled puke into his lungs and made his lungs bleed....which he developed pneumonia from..... they finally took him to the E.R. at 9:30 a.m.

I'm leaving A LOT out of the story..... in short, Dustin was taken off life support on Sunday because he was able to start breathing on his own. Monday morning he was allowed to go home. Almost as soon as his eyes were open he started texting his friends and making calls. He was in a big fat hurry to get out of the hospital and wouldn't wait for me to get off work at 3pm and so got a ride hme with a friend whom he told that no one put anything in his drink... he just overdid it.
For the next week he was on the go and going out every night because he wanted to have as much fun as possible before he had to go to rehab. His P.O. and Counselor are requiring 90 days inpt. For the most part he'd been keeping the rules and minding his curfew. He'd borrowed my phone and I did run across a couple texts and voicemails that bothered me.

Then this past Friday night he went out and didn't come home before it was time to leave to go pick up Ryan. Ryan was released on Saturday morning. We had planned a birthday party for him after we picked him up with the G'ma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. I should've left at 6 a.m, but I waited until 8a.m. and then left by myself. There was an accidental phone call at 4:30 a.m. The kid on the other end of the line said he had not seen Dustin all night. About 30 seconds later the phone rings...it's the same number.....it's Dustin who I tell to get his butt home NOW!!!!! He didn't. Ryan was hurt that his brother wasn't there and I chose not to make any excuse for him.
About 10:30 am I called home and Dustin was there and said he'd been there for about 4 hours. I went off on him... then hung up determined to not let it cast a dark shadow on Ryan's party
The party was a blast. Ryan felt special and had fun.
We got home at 5pm and Dustin was sleeping soundly. When he finally woke up, I sat him down on the couch and had it out. I told him I wanted him to spend the next week at home.... he's still very sick. At that point he got upset and said he couldn't stay here anymore. He told me he still loves me with all his heart but he has to go and he gave me a big hug and asked if he could pick his stuff up tomorrow. I sat on his bed and rubbed his back while he played video games while he waited for his friend to pick him up. He gave me a big hug and "I love you" when he left and I haven't seen nor heard from him since.... and I'm trying not to die.
Ryan is gung ho about doing life right. He is so optimistic about getting his GED and doing what he needs to to get off probation. He is cheerful and said he understands that I couldn't put up with Dustin's stuff anymore.
I'm determined to not make Ryan feel like he's taking a back seat to Dustin's bad behavior anymore. I want Ryan to experience what it feels like to really have a parent paying attention and cheering for you without the distraction of codependency...just being there for him. But I am really, really hurt and I'm scared for my Son out there. He's still physically sick. It has not registered for him that he was near death.... he doesn't know how close he came. He evidentally came by while I was at work and got his clothes and took his quilt. This makes me sad....does this mean that now he's avoiding me?
In the meantime, I haven't shared much about what I'm going through with Ted and he is hurt because I am too depleted to be very interested in dealing with him.

the latest ....just a chronicle of what's been going on

it's been a while. a lot has happened. i'm sorry if this is unpleasantly long. i just have to chronicle.
i got off of work one afternoon and went to Ted's house and he wasn't home -wierd. also wierd was that his bed wasn't made, his t.v. was still on, his phone, wallet and keys were on his nightstand. i was so exhausted that i just took my shoes off and climbed into his bed to nap. i figured i would be finding out whatever happened soon enough. soon i woke up because Ted was sitting on the end of the bed. he seemed fine, just preoccupied...not his usually cuddly self. he said, 'guess what happened to me!' "here we go" I thought.
He said he was feeling so good and so inspired because his clean life was going so well. He went to the convenience store. he typically gets enmeshed in the lives of people who work at convenience stores. He asked the clerk where the clerk was that usually works at that time. He said the other girls didn't like her and they ran her off because they suspected she used drugs.
so, Ted feeling all enlightened and full of vigor (as the story goes) went to her apartment to tell her that she was welcome to join us if she wanted to go to meetings. he said she was acting wierd and rocking back and forth and mumbling....so he left. This happened at 9pm. he said the police knocked on his door at 230 am and took him away for burgurlary (sp?) and because the girl said he offered her drugs for sex. They searched his trailer and found neither 'booty' or drugs. The girl gave 3 different versions of the story and even told the police that he didn't take anything.
the next day the judge let him out on O.R. because there was no evidence and he thought it was ridiculous and also the police and prosecutor did not even have formal charges to file.
What the judge thought didn't matter to the local paper who has been faithful to print all Ted's adventures. they printed his name and said he was arrested for burgalary and for offering a woman drugs for sex. so the next day at work..... i went to work and went about my business cheerily like i always do. it was only 45 minutes into my day when a friend/coworker pulled me aside to ask if i had seen the paper....she was looking out for me...she didn't want me to get blasted. i told her all about it. she said she wouldn't have known about it but our director emailed it to her to 'give her a heads up'
then my manager overheard our conversation and she joined in to say that the director had also emailed it to her. they wanted to make sure i was okay. the director told those two that she just emailed it because she wanted them to keep an eye on me to make sure my job didn't suffer.
i said they didn't even charge him, i'm not upset about this, i was more upset about the gawking and the paper being passed around.
as a result of the arrest Ted had to speak with his probation officer and he ended up telling him that he did nothing wrong but confessed to drinking a half a beer. so the P.O. had him arrested the next day, which the paper faithfully reported, and he went and spent 2 1/2 weeks in the Walla Walla State Penn. I called and talked to the P.O. to make sure this was all true and he said it was. He said it was just for the 1/2 beer and there wasn't anything else that he violated Ted on. So, when Ted got out, he got off the bus at 2 a.m. and there was a police cruiser waiting for him which followed him the entire one mile walk home and then the cruiser parked directly across the street from the big picture window that looks into Teds kitchen.
Since he's been out he has not left his trailer is convinced he can't shop in the local stores and that he MUST, MUST, MUST move out of Colfax. This is thrust at me each and every time that he talks to me. I simply do not own the problem. If he wants out of town he will have to arrange something. I know he is thinly veiling the urge to pressure me to let him move home with me and the boys in Pullman. This does not appeal to me on any level whatsoever.

....okay.......i'll have to finish the story later.....my fingers have ADD and are bored already.....

....dealing with another 'bout with the local newspaper as one of my family gets his name in there again.....oh fun.....stares and whispers and stories...oh boy.

I'm still sick in the head.

Ted really missed me and wanted me to spend the night Sunday night. I didn't want to, but I felt bad because I hadn't been spending much time with him at all since Ryan's been home.

I gave in knowing that it would be super late and way past my bedtime by the time I got to his house.

On the drive over to his house I was so mad that he pressured me into being up this late. I spent the whole drive reminding myself that it's not Ted's fault I said 'yes'. I could've said 'no.' I made this choice, I can't be mad at him.

When I arrived at his house, he saw how tired I was and said, "Oh, poor honey. Honey, you didn't have to come. I'm glad you did, but you didn't have to." And I tried so hard not to be grouchy to him because of my own choice. He was tickled I came and really spoiled me.

I'm sure that it wouldn't have been such the struggle for me if I wasn't so physically tired. The mind/body connection is strong.

Last Saturday I took a crew up to Spokane to visit Dustin at grown up rehab. The crew consisted of Ryan, Dustin's girlfriend and his friend, John.

At first, I was annoyed that I had tag alongs....(I've just been crabby lately) ...but then I reminded myself that I could've said 'no'...this was my choice....don't punish everyone for a choice I made.

I chose to enjoy these young people and get to know them. We had a great time, we laughed so hard. I found out a lot about Dustin's girlfriend. We both are interested in art. She can teach me a lot about it and is excited I want to learn.

We shared a meal at the greasiest burger joint in town and talked nonstop all the way home. It was so rewarding!!!!

I'm so glad I decided not to make everyone Pay for my choice!!! :)

I feel like such a petty person when I have these fights w/myself.

I don't want to be that petty person - I am NOT A VICTIM! I am responsible.

It's been awhile..... no news is good news? or too much news to keep up on? whatever...we'll just deal with today. one day at a time - right?
today i am exhausted. i don't know what's wrong with me. the past two months i have been unreasonably, inexplicably exhausted.
today my boss is gone so I'm excited to get lots of work done.

Dustin is in rehab and is optimistic and cheerful and all those wonderful things they are until they get home.....no, I'm not cynical.... i just think he over-simplifies his problem when he's sheltered from temptation and doesn't take those temptations into consideration in all his planning for life "on the outs".

Ryan has been home for a while and is doing awesome. he has decided to pursue a GED instead of traditional High school diploma. all authorities in his life agree this is probably a good option for him.

Ted is doing phenomenally well in his little trailer in Colfax while I reside in Pullman. Although he wishes he could come home he is content to do what he needs to in order to prove himself. It's been since June 4 that he's been home.

In fact, I'm thinking about inviting him over to let him help me get this huge t.v. I bought at a yard sale out of my car and into my house. :) Ryan says the t.v. is too huge and he refuses to try and help me with this t.v. but is also very opposed to having Ted come over. Up to this point I haven't showed Ted where I live. So, I've been trying to be sensitive to Ryan and have been driving around with a 32" t.v. in my backseat for a week now.

Ryan confided in Becca's Mom that there may be a chance for he and Ted to have a relationship if Ted would let him come to him in his own time and not try and push it. That is far more generous than what I thought Ryan was thinking.

Ted researched meeting times and locations and asked me for a ride to one in Pullman last night. it's his first since he's been home in June. i didn't ask him a thing about it on the way home. he just wanted to talk about his mom's last day on the ride home.