Mother Pain, Wife Depletion, Mother Hopefullness

Last weekend I was going to put boundaries up and tell everyone they would have to manage without me as I intended to take some "me time". Friday night I leisured and played mindless computer games and tried my best to put all "issues" out of mind temporarily.
I got a call from Ted, he needed a ride hme from Spokane... he was being released/kicked out of rehab after 3 weeks because of write ups/medical issues. I drove 90 min to get him and 90 min to take him to his house...fuming the whole way because I was convinced he drummed up more drama to get his way ....which was quitting rehab without it blatantly appearing to be his fault.
So sick of manufactured drama/crises in order to manipulate situations! No matter what the expense and to whom. Forced decisions are so unfair.

I got home about 10 ish and went to bed and stayed in bed until I was good and ready to get up -about 8:30 am. I headed downstairs to make some coffee and got a call. It was Dustin's friend, Joey. He said I needed to come to the hospital. Dustin was in trouble. He od'd. My mouth went dry and I lost all motor skills as I fumbled to get my shoes on and call my Sister.

I got to the hospital and they would not let me back to see him just yet. I tried hard to keep my Joey waited for about an hour with me. Then a couple from Moscow joined me and then my sister came down from Spokane.

It was almost two hours before they let me see Dustin.... He was motionless and freezing cold, and they were manually "bagging" him to keep him breathing. They sent me back out to the waiting room so they could finish putting him on life support. ... then they transferred him to the ICU.

The story was that someone put something in his drink.

Hundreds of people were praying for him. The Doctors told me repeatedly that he would be dead if his friend waited any longer to bring him in. Dustin passed out at 4:30am and his friends threw him in the back and he started puking up blood ....because he inhaled puke into his lungs and made his lungs bleed....which he developed pneumonia from..... they finally took him to the E.R. at 9:30 a.m.

I'm leaving A LOT out of the story..... in short, Dustin was taken off life support on Sunday because he was able to start breathing on his own. Monday morning he was allowed to go home. Almost as soon as his eyes were open he started texting his friends and making calls. He was in a big fat hurry to get out of the hospital and wouldn't wait for me to get off work at 3pm and so got a ride hme with a friend whom he told that no one put anything in his drink... he just overdid it.
For the next week he was on the go and going out every night because he wanted to have as much fun as possible before he had to go to rehab. His P.O. and Counselor are requiring 90 days inpt. For the most part he'd been keeping the rules and minding his curfew. He'd borrowed my phone and I did run across a couple texts and voicemails that bothered me.

Then this past Friday night he went out and didn't come home before it was time to leave to go pick up Ryan. Ryan was released on Saturday morning. We had planned a birthday party for him after we picked him up with the G'ma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. I should've left at 6 a.m, but I waited until 8a.m. and then left by myself. There was an accidental phone call at 4:30 a.m. The kid on the other end of the line said he had not seen Dustin all night. About 30 seconds later the phone rings...it's the same number.....it's Dustin who I tell to get his butt home NOW!!!!! He didn't. Ryan was hurt that his brother wasn't there and I chose not to make any excuse for him.
About 10:30 am I called home and Dustin was there and said he'd been there for about 4 hours. I went off on him... then hung up determined to not let it cast a dark shadow on Ryan's party
The party was a blast. Ryan felt special and had fun.
We got home at 5pm and Dustin was sleeping soundly. When he finally woke up, I sat him down on the couch and had it out. I told him I wanted him to spend the next week at home.... he's still very sick. At that point he got upset and said he couldn't stay here anymore. He told me he still loves me with all his heart but he has to go and he gave me a big hug and asked if he could pick his stuff up tomorrow. I sat on his bed and rubbed his back while he played video games while he waited for his friend to pick him up. He gave me a big hug and "I love you" when he left and I haven't seen nor heard from him since.... and I'm trying not to die.
Ryan is gung ho about doing life right. He is so optimistic about getting his GED and doing what he needs to to get off probation. He is cheerful and said he understands that I couldn't put up with Dustin's stuff anymore.
I'm determined to not make Ryan feel like he's taking a back seat to Dustin's bad behavior anymore. I want Ryan to experience what it feels like to really have a parent paying attention and cheering for you without the distraction of codependency...just being there for him. But I am really, really hurt and I'm scared for my Son out there. He's still physically sick. It has not registered for him that he was near death.... he doesn't know how close he came. He evidentally came by while I was at work and got his clothes and took his quilt. This makes me sad....does this mean that now he's avoiding me?
In the meantime, I haven't shared much about what I'm going through with Ted and he is hurt because I am too depleted to be very interested in dealing with him.

the latest ....just a chronicle of what's been going on

it's been a while. a lot has happened. i'm sorry if this is unpleasantly long. i just have to chronicle.
i got off of work one afternoon and went to Ted's house and he wasn't home -wierd. also wierd was that his bed wasn't made, his t.v. was still on, his phone, wallet and keys were on his nightstand. i was so exhausted that i just took my shoes off and climbed into his bed to nap. i figured i would be finding out whatever happened soon enough. soon i woke up because Ted was sitting on the end of the bed. he seemed fine, just preoccupied...not his usually cuddly self. he said, 'guess what happened to me!' "here we go" I thought.
He said he was feeling so good and so inspired because his clean life was going so well. He went to the convenience store. he typically gets enmeshed in the lives of people who work at convenience stores. He asked the clerk where the clerk was that usually works at that time. He said the other girls didn't like her and they ran her off because they suspected she used drugs.
so, Ted feeling all enlightened and full of vigor (as the story goes) went to her apartment to tell her that she was welcome to join us if she wanted to go to meetings. he said she was acting wierd and rocking back and forth and mumbling....so he left. This happened at 9pm. he said the police knocked on his door at 230 am and took him away for burgurlary (sp?) and because the girl said he offered her drugs for sex. They searched his trailer and found neither 'booty' or drugs. The girl gave 3 different versions of the story and even told the police that he didn't take anything.
the next day the judge let him out on O.R. because there was no evidence and he thought it was ridiculous and also the police and prosecutor did not even have formal charges to file.
What the judge thought didn't matter to the local paper who has been faithful to print all Ted's adventures. they printed his name and said he was arrested for burgalary and for offering a woman drugs for sex. so the next day at work..... i went to work and went about my business cheerily like i always do. it was only 45 minutes into my day when a friend/coworker pulled me aside to ask if i had seen the paper....she was looking out for me...she didn't want me to get blasted. i told her all about it. she said she wouldn't have known about it but our director emailed it to her to 'give her a heads up'
then my manager overheard our conversation and she joined in to say that the director had also emailed it to her. they wanted to make sure i was okay. the director told those two that she just emailed it because she wanted them to keep an eye on me to make sure my job didn't suffer.
i said they didn't even charge him, i'm not upset about this, i was more upset about the gawking and the paper being passed around.
as a result of the arrest Ted had to speak with his probation officer and he ended up telling him that he did nothing wrong but confessed to drinking a half a beer. so the P.O. had him arrested the next day, which the paper faithfully reported, and he went and spent 2 1/2 weeks in the Walla Walla State Penn. I called and talked to the P.O. to make sure this was all true and he said it was. He said it was just for the 1/2 beer and there wasn't anything else that he violated Ted on. So, when Ted got out, he got off the bus at 2 a.m. and there was a police cruiser waiting for him which followed him the entire one mile walk home and then the cruiser parked directly across the street from the big picture window that looks into Teds kitchen.
Since he's been out he has not left his trailer is convinced he can't shop in the local stores and that he MUST, MUST, MUST move out of Colfax. This is thrust at me each and every time that he talks to me. I simply do not own the problem. If he wants out of town he will have to arrange something. I know he is thinly veiling the urge to pressure me to let him move home with me and the boys in Pullman. This does not appeal to me on any level whatsoever.

....okay.......i'll have to finish the story later.....my fingers have ADD and are bored already.....

....dealing with another 'bout with the local newspaper as one of my family gets his name in there again.....oh fun.....stares and whispers and stories...oh boy.

I'm still sick in the head.

Ted really missed me and wanted me to spend the night Sunday night. I didn't want to, but I felt bad because I hadn't been spending much time with him at all since Ryan's been home.

I gave in knowing that it would be super late and way past my bedtime by the time I got to his house.

On the drive over to his house I was so mad that he pressured me into being up this late. I spent the whole drive reminding myself that it's not Ted's fault I said 'yes'. I could've said 'no.' I made this choice, I can't be mad at him.

When I arrived at his house, he saw how tired I was and said, "Oh, poor honey. Honey, you didn't have to come. I'm glad you did, but you didn't have to." And I tried so hard not to be grouchy to him because of my own choice. He was tickled I came and really spoiled me.

I'm sure that it wouldn't have been such the struggle for me if I wasn't so physically tired. The mind/body connection is strong.

Last Saturday I took a crew up to Spokane to visit Dustin at grown up rehab. The crew consisted of Ryan, Dustin's girlfriend and his friend, John.

At first, I was annoyed that I had tag alongs....(I've just been crabby lately) ...but then I reminded myself that I could've said 'no'...this was my choice....don't punish everyone for a choice I made.

I chose to enjoy these young people and get to know them. We had a great time, we laughed so hard. I found out a lot about Dustin's girlfriend. We both are interested in art. She can teach me a lot about it and is excited I want to learn.

We shared a meal at the greasiest burger joint in town and talked nonstop all the way home. It was so rewarding!!!!

I'm so glad I decided not to make everyone Pay for my choice!!! :)

I feel like such a petty person when I have these fights w/myself.

I don't want to be that petty person - I am NOT A VICTIM! I am responsible.

It's been awhile..... no news is good news? or too much news to keep up on? whatever...we'll just deal with today. one day at a time - right?
today i am exhausted. i don't know what's wrong with me. the past two months i have been unreasonably, inexplicably exhausted.
today my boss is gone so I'm excited to get lots of work done.

Dustin is in rehab and is optimistic and cheerful and all those wonderful things they are until they get home.....no, I'm not cynical.... i just think he over-simplifies his problem when he's sheltered from temptation and doesn't take those temptations into consideration in all his planning for life "on the outs".

Ryan has been home for a while and is doing awesome. he has decided to pursue a GED instead of traditional High school diploma. all authorities in his life agree this is probably a good option for him.

Ted is doing phenomenally well in his little trailer in Colfax while I reside in Pullman. Although he wishes he could come home he is content to do what he needs to in order to prove himself. It's been since June 4 that he's been home.

In fact, I'm thinking about inviting him over to let him help me get this huge t.v. I bought at a yard sale out of my car and into my house. :) Ryan says the t.v. is too huge and he refuses to try and help me with this t.v. but is also very opposed to having Ted come over. Up to this point I haven't showed Ted where I live. So, I've been trying to be sensitive to Ryan and have been driving around with a 32" t.v. in my backseat for a week now.

Ryan confided in Becca's Mom that there may be a chance for he and Ted to have a relationship if Ted would let him come to him in his own time and not try and push it. That is far more generous than what I thought Ryan was thinking.

Ted researched meeting times and locations and asked me for a ride to one in Pullman last night. it's his first since he's been home in June. i didn't ask him a thing about it on the way home. he just wanted to talk about his mom's last day on the ride home.

Really tired. Overwhelmingly. I thought it was because I got behind on my antidepressants, but I've been back on them for quite a while. Thought it might be the heat.
Had counseling appt. She suggested exercise and multivitamins.
And I explained how relationships were going with Dustin, Ryan, and Ted.
In a nutshell, she thinks my battles with Dustin are exhausting me and I have to put my foot down.
I thought I was but my tired body tells another story.
Battling with Dustin is a very wierd thing. Mostly because I'm often not aware we're battling until I lose my cool and go off on him. He is so open and pleasant and loving.....he just does as he pleases regardless of my rules.

The rules he breaks are things like:
no friends over when i'm not home
no letting friends shower and own my kitchen
be home by midnight
no girls overnight
no drinking while living under my roof.
do your regular 4 chores before you go anywhere

Nothing criminal in his defiance...just bugs the heck out of me because he's 19 almost 20, not working, living for free, out all night and sleeping all day....yada yada....
So I let him have it. He agrees to adhere. We mend up, have some laughs, share some moments. Then he goes into the kitchen to make dinner and takes it up to his room and I hear him tell a friend up there that "dinner is served" after the kid finished a shower.....

aaaaggggg!!! So, the curfew is now 11pm and I lock the doors if he's not here...and they'll remained locked while I'm gone for work. I give him a list of serious chores he has to do.... I told him since he's not working and contributing to rent that this house is his job and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to move somewhere where he can accept the rules. --no yelling. He understood, agreed, did everything I asked...but when I came home one of his buddies was parked in my carport and there were 4 of his friends sitting in the living room waiting for him to finish his chores.

His P.O. is fed up with him. He hasn't done any Community Service or attended meetings and he is supposed to be going to rehab but it's just been "impossible" for one reason or another.

Things are coming to a head.

Things on the Ted and Ryan front are fairly quiet.

Ryan is experiencing the highest level of motivation I've ever seen and he is so stubborn. When he makes up his mind...that's it. And he's made his mind up for the positive.

I could go on....enough writing for now....maybe more tomorrow.

Love and Care to all

The last two visits with Ryan have been good. Ryan exercised much more self control. Becca has really been persuing rekindling their friendship, which is great to see. They were so very close. Donna and Becca have been joining Dustin and I and have been HUGE supports and Ryan has been appreciative. His JPO visited him last week in person and said Ryan seemed to be doing really well and that he was happy with what he saw in Ryan.


Dustin told me that since he got a dirty UA when he first came home and he didn't follow up with outpt counseling that he has to go to rehab for 3 weeks. He isn't working right now and he is living it up staying out all hours because "he's going away". I said 'Oh, brother!!! it's 3 weeks!" In the meantime it's been very difficult for him to get chores done while I'm at work because he's either too tired or gone. I come home from work and there's evidence all over that he's had his friends over for "snacks" and is long gone. He'll call and let me know that he's spending the night at a friend's house and so I really don't see much of him. I've told him how frustrated I am because he is now an adult and is living here rent free and not helping.

Ryan will probably be home from rehab in less than two weeks.

I had presented Dustin with the idea of Job Corp while he was in juvey prison ...but he was not open to it because he was sick of being in institutions.

Since he's been home since April and he knows how hard it is to get a job without an education or training, I approached him again with it.

If I was 19 again and I knew then what I knew now....I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's a free education/vocational training, you get free room and board, they pay you a stipend, and you work at your own pace so it could be short term. He still is not receptive to the idea. He said we can talk about it when he is done with rehab.

He has been enjoying running around with his friends, spending his money and energy on his social life. Which is typical 19 y.o. boy stuff. He's missing counseling appts and that's why he has to go to rehab. He really doesn't see how I could think he's not being responsible. It's time for him to grow up. He really is a good boy. He's very kind and we are close and can talk about anything, we laugh a lot. I truly enjoy his company....and I so miss him when he's gone.

I'm going to bring up Job Corps when he comes back from rehab and I'm considering telling him that he needs to do it or move out....because if he stays I don't want to continue like this until he's 30. I think it's time for him to leave the nest. I know the danger of ultimatums but I can't stand him doing nothing and the thought of being 65 someday and my sons still living at home.

You know....it's a little befuddling too.... when he was still in high school and he was using he would yell at me about how he was counting the days until he was 18 and he was going to be "out of here!!!"

4th of July

Hope everyone has a fun and safe 4th!
I will be driving up to visit Ryan. Hopefully, we won't have fireworks there!

Saturday

Saturday Dustin and I went up to Spokane to visit Ryan. He had earned a 2 hour 'outing'. So after the visit we were goting to go out to lunch. After arriving the counselor said we could have an additional 2 hours so we could take Ryan and Dustin down to hoopfest.

After chatting for just a few minutes Ryan was throwing around swear words about 5 X more than he does at home. So, I asked him to stop it while visiting with us. To which he answered with a string of more obscenities. I told him that if he wanted me to spend the day taking him to hoopfest then he better be nice to me. After 2 more times of him being blatantly rude to me (I had been there less than 10 minutes) I told him one more time and I would leave and he could forget hoopfest.

Less than 2 minutes later he brought up a friend's name and I asked , "Oh, how's he doing?" and Ryan mustered up one of the snottiest tones I've ever heard and said "why do you care?. So, I stood up and left the room. I waited in the hall for Dustin to finish his visit.

After a few minutes Dustin came out and asked me to come back because Ryan wanted to apologize. I said, "no, he's not sorry, he just wants to go to hoopfest." I told him he could finish visiting his brother and I would wait outside.

Then I went to the bathroom and tried to not cry.

Shortly before Dustin came out from visiting Ryan, I heard a tapping on the little window of the dorr to the visiting room and when I looked up Ryan gave me the middle finger.

I took Dustin home and spent the day going to yard sales.

At home, Ryan has punched holes in doors, has told me to shut up, called me bi***, f*** you, and left without permission staying out all not and there hasn't been much I could do about it. He didn't care what sanctions I tried to impose. Since I work fulltime it is almost impossible to enforce any of the prescribed punishments. He continued to do as he pleased.

It was so nice to be able to walk off when he got like that. At home he would basically snicker at me when I tried to put my foot down.

Weekend Brief

Friday I cleaned like a madwoman because
Saturday I hosted a jewelry home party that lasted all night....
...discovered my cleaning like a madwoman didn't quite get everything, as I searched for extra coasters and discovered a used condom that Dustin stashed - auuuuggg! See pretense IS futile!
Sunday I went and visited Ryan. He is in rehab and he is really opening up about his feelings like he has never done.
Of course, Moms don't ever know the whole picture...but....I really don't believe Ryan is an addict. Not to drugs anyway. I don't see him driven to use. I do see him driven to pursue friendships with all that's within him and if it takes using drugs, so be it. But I don't see the drugs owning him like I've seen with Ted and Dustin.
I do, however, think rehab is a wonderful thing. He has counseling basically 24 hours and he has to participate and he WANTS to participate. He is picking up a ton of useful tools he can use to cope with life like a healthy young adult.
I took Ted grocery shopping in Moscow this weekend. Groceries in Moscow are 1/2 the price they are in Colfax and he is on foodstamps. On the way home, he asked to borrow some of our movies. Since he knows I'm not ready to expose my new home he didn't fuss when I dropped him off at a gas station to wait for me while I took the long way home to pick up a few movies for him. The detached me feels awesome!