Pretense is futile

2010-08-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

Boundaries Tool

I'm so excited..... New boundaries tool..... I've found that people respond well if I simply announce I have a new personal policy.

I have a horrible time with a coworker who truly knows everything about everybody and enjoys being the one in the know and I am special to her..... she feels the need to stop me no matter how fast I am flying by her desk to take me into her confidence and share.

I get so frustrated as I listen to her give me every detail about someone I don't even know.....
I get frustrated with her as I wonder why she has this need.....does she not notice I don't care..... and I don't care .....for several minutes anyway.......

then I get frustrated with myself....because after listening ... I feel rude for wanting to just walk off....she presents it in such a caring manner..... she puts such a human face on it all.... and she is a local girl, born and bred in this small community so she really does care about all these people (?)..... but I don't know any of them!!!!

then I really get ashamed of myself because after a while I allow my self to participate!!!! Uggghhhh!!!!! Not proud!

I've tried to talk to her about this before but it has got me no where.

so .... I just announced a new personal policy: "If it's none of my businessI don't wanna know"

for some reason people respect when I do this.

For 13 years I've steadily gained weight as our office has huge potlucks all the time! I've not exercised much self control and have felt helpless and powerless of destroying myself by participating.

so I announced a personal policy about potlucks that "I'll contribute to the festivites, but will skip the pig out portion of the party"

I also announced my personal policy that "I'm a whine-free zone"..... coworkers have stopped involving me in their complaining about the job.

For some reason by stating it as a "Personal Policy" eliminates people from cojoling, arguing, pressuring me to do something I don't want to.

It's been a great protection from my own dark side :)

It's personal --- it's mine not yours
It's policy --- it's set, non-negotiable

2010-08-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

feel so conflicted....wanna live in the moment....nothing wrong with this moment..... convinced this moment is ONLY good because opportunity for addiction monster is not yet.....

give some credit..... have been doing so good....why are you looking for the negative all the time.... relax...... feel like a bitch..... there has been huge amounts of good stuff.....HUGE... what was once impossible......am I ever satisfied?

feels like an act....like hypocrisy...the ONLY reason the monster's not here is because there's no money.....

can't buy into the false peace offered. that feels like lying..... degrading myself by believing, hoping.....

i wanna make the monster leave ....but there are no grounds yet....are there? .....only a couple lies and manipulation to have my vehicle a little longer.... but nothing red handed......

do i have to wait for the monster to get blood on his hands.....

step three......step three.......step three.....

2010-08-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

step 3

I'm so annoyed ..... I finally have a backbone.......and now I can't use it just yet....

I feel I need to temper it as I turn my will and my life over to God.... and yield .....

I had no idea it was going to be so hard!!!

2010-08-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

Have been working a lot of overtime. I can't believe it's August already. Have been trying to squeeze as much out of summer as I can while it lasts. i love the sun coming up at 4:30 and staying up until 8:30!!!

I've been taking Ted and scouting out new places to float my dinky little two-man raft and camp. It's so fun.

Ted sits at one end and I sit at the other and our legs are tangled with a small cooler in the center and we get out into the middle of a lake and and we both kick back and just float.......

It's sooooooo relaxing. No cell phones, no motor just the gentle rocking of lake waves.....when we get close to shore we just row back out and start over.

This weekend we brought my dog and she had a fit that we left her on shore..... she doesn't like to swim. So, Ted was throwing her in the water every now and then trying to get her used to it. The last time we docked, he walked toward her and she took off running toward me ( I was still in the raft) and dove into the raft which pushed us off and we drifted off towards the middle of the lake....leaving Ted standing on the dock watching us. I swear my dog was laughing at him.

I want a canoe really bad, but he keeps telling me that they capsize really easy.....but he forgets that I'm of Native American descent ;) There's a whole other side of me that he doesn't know of even after 20 years together.... that I LOVE horseback riding, I'm an awesome fisherwoman..... bait my own hooks, and clean my own catches.... I love hiking and camping....

well, I've told him this before but this is the first time he's ever seen me smile from sun up to sun down..... just a goofy relaxed smile.....

It's Monday - back to reality. Dustin is in jail again. Ryan is wanting to discharge from the recovery house. I have been loving to visit him ..... he is so very different when he's not under the influence..... I love being around him..... time flies and our visits can be 4 hours easy before I know it.

I miss him, but our hometown is small and is a college town....so there isn't much to offer him in the way of jobs..... the students usually get any jobs that are available. He still needs to get his GED which he could've have gotten by now from the recovery house if he had applied himself. I would like to see him do more in that direction just to prove that he can push himself.

I have a call into his counselor to discuss.

2010-04-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across "When Love is not enough. The Lois Wilson story." I only got to watch about half of it - but WOW!!!!! I want that movie for my library! Hallmark is really awesome at the tenderheart productions!

My youngest came home last weekend for an outing from the Recovery house. My oldest came with me to pick him up and cancelled plans with his friends all weekend to hang out with him. He immediately went AWOL the whole weekend.

He was telling me he was staying at his Dad's house, but because I didn't want to talk to Dad, I didn't verify this. When it was time to return, he stood us up (his probation officer and I).

He showed up at Dad's crying because he was so ashamed of himself because he relapsed. Dad was so excited that there was an opportunity in crisis form that would force me to talk to him he almost acted giddy and I wanted to kick him hard.

The boys got in a squibble before we loaded up to take the youngest back to treatment. My oldest ended up not riding up with us because of all the tension between them.

Then while I was delivering the youngest, the oldest calls the husband and offers to sell him pills. When asked about it, he says he's only doing it because the youngest stole $300 and a bunch of weed from someone and now the oldest is trying to pay it back to protect his brother. He said the 'victim' had text messages at certain time intervals that proved the claim.

Being what I am...... I went home and got online and verified all the texts left on the youngest's phone were present and then I read each of them..... there was no evidence to support the claim.

Huh? ......Oh, how did I get back on the ride? I didn't notice myself climbing aboard again.

I don't even want to write about all that happened while he was home....

......what did we all learn from it....... all this peace I've been feeling is the majority result of simply an absence of chaos.....not so much a healthier me ... as I was believing.... sigh...

breathe in, breathe out, pray, pray, pray.....

PS-- here's a good article from the blog of "Godwoman"

2010-03-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

How can so much change so fast constantly and yet everything be pretty much the same. Well, I can say that's true of much of my circumstances but it's definately not true of me. Thank God!!!!

My oldest O.D.d again all the while he had a warrant for his arrest for standing up his PO. I found out 'by accident' that he was in the hospital and went to see him. He was planning on leaving the hospital at discharge and going back to whereever he was at before the overdose....so I called the police to come and pick him up. He has detoxed and is doing really, really good and really wants to persue sobriety this time....not just biding his time until he gets out.

Ryan has 'graduated' successfully from rehab and is now in a recovery house and also is doing really well. He seems so much more mature.

Ted and I have been Ted and I. The good, the bad, and the ugly. lather rinse repeat.

I have to say all three of the them seem a lot more grateful for everything these days.... it's pleasant.

I have been bringing myself joy through my home based business and have been happily busy and not fretting about the fellas a whole bunch.

2010-01-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Took a scheduled day off of work today. Did not tell anyone in my family. The entire day was strictly me time. I cleaned house, organized my home office, listened to training. I only did and thought about strictly what I wanted to do and think about..... nothing I had to do, or was expected to do. It was a blissful day....... I feel so 'floaty' and spoiled....

Thank you everyone for your comments....I take them all to heart and have such respect for all of you as you go through all your stuff with your own graces and hope everyone could have at least one day like I had today.

2010-01-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

Oh, I just don't want to be married right now. Sometimes it's such a thankless hassle, and an unending one at that. For years I thought that if he just stopped the drugs what a wonderful union we'd have. (I see your eyes rolling)

I remember feeling perplexed when speaking to my Pastor right after I found out he was doing crack...the Pastor said "Unfortunately, Ted has all kinds of issues besides the drugs" ....huh?!?

I remember al anon old timer telling me that he thought all his problems would go away if his wife just quit drinking but it was the start of a whole assortment of other problems.

Do you remember when your loved ones were still using and you loved them so much but dreaded seeing their names come up on the caller i.d. because you knew they just needed some piece of you and they didn't always ask nice....frequently they DEMANDED ....and feeling like it was constant and never going to end and the constant explaining and buffering yourself from them and dodging their requests and sometimes getting confrontational and just saying, 'no' and all the drama that produced. And then the guilt trips..... All the energy that took............. Well, he still acts like that but he's clean, so he thinks I should estatically (sp?) spend my every waking moment with him and can't imagine why I haven't yet thrown open the front door of my home and opened my arms and said, "come to Momma"

Is simply making firmer boundaries the solution.... am even able to endure anymore of that process without going stark raving mad.... I'm pretty sure that his development was arrested a lot following a tragedy that took place in middle school. ...part of the pain the drugs were supposed to mask. So, is he even capable of doing anything different ...so is it fair then to be bugged with his behavior.

I feel my boys are maturing but he is not.

There's so many things in a healthy relationship that don't need explaining over and over and over and over for twenty years.....like "you don't badmouth the kids relentlessly to their mother... it causes her a lot of pain and angers her and jeopardizes your cozy place in her life....and how dare you, when you were absent for 10 years and then come home to reject them for drugs and you think you can bad mouth them to me?!"

I don't think it's going to matter how many times I repeat myself or how many times he tells me he gets it.....I think the changes will be temporary and superficial.....and I'm so tired.

Have you ever seen the movie, "Vertical Limit" There is a father rock climbing at very high altitudes with his two adult children..... the things that tether them to the rocks starting coming loose and soon the three of them are dangling miles in the air from the same rope....Dad is on the bottom. He tells his Son the rope won't hold 3 of us....cut me loose so you and your sister can live.....

I feel like my husband is the guy on the bottom of the rope and he is flailing wildly and he is not interested at all in how the lives of everyone else hanging on to that rope.....I do empathize and couldn't ever cut an unwilling party loose.

I struggle because he has his glorious moments. Am I just too tired to be very impressed? We do share a lot of enjoyable time together. But he is instantly and deeply discontent and resentful when I have to go. Am I just focusing on the wrong thing...is that the real issue. The bad moments leave me wondering if the good moments are real.

I struggle because he is so clingy and insecure. I hate the thought of paining him with rejection.... He has alienated EVERYONE....even all the people he did drugs with want nothing to do with him. His whole family has written him off. I am literally the only person in his life.
His life is pretty boring....no job, no license/car, no cable, no company. And he is sick and the transplant place will not list him unless he has some support person/people who are willing to take three months to live with him and nurse him 24/7 following surgery. If he has no one, they won't list him and he will die.

All this is just venting, venting, venting.....in my safe place. I know I'm going to do what I'm going to do and I forfeit my right to be resentful because it's my choice. I just get so tired. When I get this tired I know that I need to rely on the strength of the Lord...and ask him to be my shelter and protect me from what I can't handle and give me strength and wisdom for the things I must....and be grateful always.... there's always plenty to complain about, but there's always plenty to be grateful for.

2010-01-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

I love New Year's..... I feel like I got to hit the "do over" button.

Well, D's friends have been texting me all morning because they think he is supposed to be released today and they want to drive down and pick him up. They just can't wait to pick up the party where they left off. D has sent me two letters from jail. The first one was strictly for his friends...he wanted me to pass it on. It was an awful letter. I was so mad that he expected me to be his delivery girl ...and also didn't bother to write me.

Ted and I visited Ryan on Christmas Day.... then we went to my house for Christms dinner with the family. The visit was good. They let us have ice cream and pop.

The day after Christmas I visited Dustin via Skype. That was interesting.

I spent this entire 3 day New Year's weekend helping Ted move into a studio apartment out of Colfax. I told him I won't be coming around for a few days because I neglected myself in order to get him moved and now I need some free time. He was good with that as long as I call and just check in and let him know I'm alive once a day.

We did manage to stay awake to ring in the new year. We watched an absolutely heartbreaking movie - "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" -- crushing movie..... I never want to see it again.

Ryan has court on Thursday. I have been having a horrid time communicating with his CD counselor ever since that last meeting we had. I felt so proud that I stood up and spoke my mind...... yet I don't know now if it was worth it, because she seems to still be offended.....it's very possible I'm just reading too much into it......but there is definate tension, bordering on hostility over the phone when we speak. I'll have to write of our last conversation later. It was somewhat disturbing.

I've been praying that God would allow me to view Ted and the boys through His eyes. That I would not make any decisions based on my emotions cultivated out of my own perceptions.

I feel like this is a short and dis-jointed post but I wanted to slap down a brief update as things seem to change so much so fast.

2009-12-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and a Beautiful Christmas. It has been a while since I posted.
here's a brief update.

R - he was arrested shortly before Thanksgiving for violating probation by using and not keeping curfew....he will remain there at least until his next court date on Jan 7. He has had a drastic attitude change that has been encouraging and answer to prayer.

D - since leaving home in November he has been out living wildly.... no address.... he eventually also got arrested for violating probation by using not meeting with his officer and not informing him of an address change and not following treatment plans.

Their arrest was a big relief to me because they were both so 'out there' ... now they are safe for a while and have time for their heads to clear and do some thinking. They are temporarily isolated from the using lifestyle.

T - has had two visits to the University for the Transplant Center. I flew with him the second time. Ryan allowed Ted to be put on his visitors list and so we both visited him on Christmas. It was nice. The guards gave us ice cream and soda.

We had Christmas dinner at my house. My family is odd. I love them. They weren't here long and it was wierd for all of us to have dinner without the boys.

I am so tired. Off to spend the night at my estranged husbands house. I am just so thankful that no matter what - God is in Charge! He knows my exhaustion, sees my tears, and hears my prayers.

2009-11-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

Tues ....fun.... meeting with Ryan's p.o. and his Chem Depend Counselor..... it was kind of a monumental meeting for me. I've grown.... I stood up for my opinion and spoke my mind... and did not devalue my opinions by backing down just because someone with authority over my son disagreed with me.

Growing up i was raised to never "talk back" to elders or authority. My parents meant well, but it became a warped ingrained behavior that has kept me in a victim mentality for too many years. I've learned that I can speak my peace and still be respectful. In fact it's a responsibility....to not be a victim. We were all still friends when the meeting was over, so I felt it was a victory.

Ryan was supposed to be in attendance but did not show. He ignored all attempts at contacting him. He ended up not coming home at all that night.

Wednesday - he again ignored attempts to contact. I contacted his p.o. and told him the situation....that I didn't know if I would have Ryan to bring to court on Thursday.

Finally, in the evening he responded to a text. I told him he had court the next day and he texted back that he would be home in time. So, about 11:30 that evening, he called and asked me to pick him up. When he climbed in the car he was sporting a HUGE black eye with a cut. It was extremely swollen.

Thursday - court - A kid that Dustin has been staying with was in court for something. I listened to his case and watched his Mom. She too has two boys, who are friends of my boys, and they're all up to about the same types of "doings".

I went and sat next to her, gave her a hug, offered my number. We are planning on getting together on Saturday for support and prayer. She was very excited to have someone to talk to. She also feels the strain of living in a small town and feeling like you're friends are scared to talk to you because you're situation is too weird.

While sitting in court listening to all the cases, there were a couple of cases where the juveniles were living on their own..... How is that an option I wondered half out of pure curiosity and admittedly, half out of envy....

Ryan's p.o. gave just the bare bones facts of why he thinks Ryan should be incarcerated until his trial date for the probation violations come up. With just the bare bones...it was a very lengthy and compelling argument.

Then the Public Defender spoke on Ryan's behalf and again gave the tired old argument that Ryan has suffered because of the influence of Ted and Dustin. Ted, he hasn't seen but twice in the past year and a half and Dustin was gone for a year, lived with us for two months and is gone......so, I think that argument is weak and tired. I realize Ryan doesn't give him much to work with in the way of defending indefensible behavior.....I just cringe every time I hear him use my other loved ones as scapegoats for Ryan - what's that teaching my son, not to mention all the others in the courtroom......not that the Judge buys any of it anyway.

Also, Ryan has only been home for two weeks and he's out of control already......So, I thought for sure Ryan would be taken into custody. But the Judge was in a good mood. He got creative and set Ryan's trial date for January 14 and said he could go home until then....provided he goes to school, does community service, and stays clean and participate in his treatment. But just one miss and he will have to go to jail and stay there until trial.

He was pretty relieved that he was not going to jail....I know, duh - right....

We went home and he promptly headed off to his chemical dependency group meeting. He was home by 6:30. Today is school, then community service and home by 8pm.

So glad it's Friday!!!!

2009-11-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

Dustin tells me that the Doctor cleared him to go to rehab today. Now he'll get a bed date soon and go to rehab again. I think this is the 5th time. Needless to say, I'm no longer naive enough to believe that rehab is the 'be all, end all' answer. Until he's ready, nothing's going to change. He'll be there for 90 days and many great seeds will be planted, I'm sure.
He tells me that the Doctor gave him a very lengthy lecture about changing his lifestyle that he says, "I already know all that" He just really didn't appreciate being lectured.
Speaking of lectures...... Ryan was home from jail for 4 days and tested positive on a UA. So, his PO has file a probation violation on him and we go back to court on Thursday. The last time we were in court the Judge really layed into him for a very loud and long time. He's only been home for two weeks..... I'm not looking forward to this. Then right after court I will be driving Ted to U of W Transplant Ctr to begin the process of getting him on the liver transplant list. I'm not looking forward to spending 8 hours in the car with him ....he has been really pressuring me to let him come home.
I asked a friend to pray for me in my motherhood and she did, then she told me that she felt God wants me to just focus on Him and all the great things He's done and for the great things He's going to do. Just to thank Him for my boys, and not to try and militantly follow books or programs, but to use them as resources - be the mother He uniquely created me to be. That no one knows my sons like I do....each person is different.

2009-11-12T07:09:00.001-08:00

Thinking of my Dad today....we call him the King of Cliches.... however...they stuck in our brains.
Today I'm remembering, "It's far easier to avoid getting into trouble than it is to try and get out of it once you're in it"

2009-11-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

Ryan - was supposed to start this Monday attending the community college to persue his GED. He did not go on Monday or Tuesday. I'm hoping he did today.

I've been letting him use my cellphone so we can stay in touch. I told him I'd get him his own cellphone for his birthday, but he has to prove that he will not turn the ringer off otherwise it will be a waste of money. I had an alterior motive for wanting to get him a cellphone....then I can get the "family locator" option and know where he is if he doesn't come home by his court appointed curfew. Also, I would be giving him something that matters to him....so I would have a consequence to give him for poor behavior.

Well, he's been using my phone but not answering when either I or his P.O. call. His curfew is 8pm and he came home at Midnight! .... telling me that he's been home for hours....bologney! I asked about school and he said he didn't go. I told him that if he goes to jail, I won't visit because he's picking this.

That family locator would've come in handy - I'm just so sick of chasing people around, plus I really don't want to do anything nice for him right now..... at all! He's been so disrespectful. I keep finding makeshift ashtrays around the house. Number one - he's only 16 and is not supposed to be smoking!!!! Number two - I don't allow myself to smoke inside my house so why should my sixteen year old son be allowed too? Number three - this is not a new battle....don't know what to do......

There are days I just wish I had someone more qualified to hand him over to. I'm at such a loss.

And now things have disappeared. Our XBox vanished and so did $20 from my wallet. On top of that I am always out of socks because he wears all mine - he likes them better.

I am listening to my parenting CDs...The Total Transformation..... I love them.....they're very eye opening.....but it's really hard work to change.....but doing what I'm doing is not working - duh- right....

I am promising myself to spend 15 minutes turning my son over to God in prayer today....and not try to wrestle this on my own.

2009-11-11T10:38:00.001-08:00

Is it such a fine line between being efficient and being lazy?

My husband used to tease me for years about being lazy because I preferred to fix his scrambled eggs in the microwave rather than taking the time and making the mess to make them in a frying pan.

I just had coworker tell me she was being lazy for writing a note at the bottom of a page instead of making a photocopy.

I've had another coworker, whose office is on the other side of the building, tell me she was being lazy for calling me instead of walking over to talk to me.

Mother Pain, Wife Depletion, Mother Hopefullness

2009-11-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I was going to put boundaries up and tell everyone they would have to manage without me as I intended to take some "me time". Friday night I leisured and played mindless computer games and tried my best to put all "issues" out of mind temporarily.
I got a call from Ted, he needed a ride hme from Spokane... he was being released/kicked out of rehab after 3 weeks because of write ups/medical issues. I drove 90 min to get him and 90 min to take him to his house...fuming the whole way because I was convinced he drummed up more drama to get his way ....which was quitting rehab without it blatantly appearing to be his fault.
So sick of manufactured drama/crises in order to manipulate situations! No matter what the expense and to whom. Forced decisions are so unfair.

I got home about 10 ish and went to bed and stayed in bed until I was good and ready to get up -about 8:30 am. I headed downstairs to make some coffee and got a call. It was Dustin's friend, Joey. He said I needed to come to the hospital. Dustin was in trouble. He od'd. My mouth went dry and I lost all motor skills as I fumbled to get my shoes on and call my Sister.

I got to the hospital and they would not let me back to see him just yet. I tried hard to keep my Joey waited for about an hour with me. Then a couple from Moscow joined me and then my sister came down from Spokane.

It was almost two hours before they let me see Dustin.... He was motionless and freezing cold, and they were manually "bagging" him to keep him breathing. They sent me back out to the waiting room so they could finish putting him on life support. ... then they transferred him to the ICU.

The story was that someone put something in his drink.

Hundreds of people were praying for him. The Doctors told me repeatedly that he would be dead if his friend waited any longer to bring him in. Dustin passed out at 4:30am and his friends threw him in the back and he started puking up blood ....because he inhaled puke into his lungs and made his lungs bleed....which he developed pneumonia from..... they finally took him to the E.R. at 9:30 a.m.

I'm leaving A LOT out of the story..... in short, Dustin was taken off life support on Sunday because he was able to start breathing on his own. Monday morning he was allowed to go home. Almost as soon as his eyes were open he started texting his friends and making calls. He was in a big fat hurry to get out of the hospital and wouldn't wait for me to get off work at 3pm and so got a ride hme with a friend whom he told that no one put anything in his drink... he just overdid it.
For the next week he was on the go and going out every night because he wanted to have as much fun as possible before he had to go to rehab. His P.O. and Counselor are requiring 90 days inpt. For the most part he'd been keeping the rules and minding his curfew. He'd borrowed my phone and I did run across a couple texts and voicemails that bothered me.

Then this past Friday night he went out and didn't come home before it was time to leave to go pick up Ryan. Ryan was released on Saturday morning. We had planned a birthday party for him after we picked him up with the G'ma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. I should've left at 6 a.m, but I waited until 8a.m. and then left by myself. There was an accidental phone call at 4:30 a.m. The kid on the other end of the line said he had not seen Dustin all night. About 30 seconds later the phone rings...it's the same number.....it's Dustin who I tell to get his butt home NOW!!!!! He didn't. Ryan was hurt that his brother wasn't there and I chose not to make any excuse for him.
About 10:30 am I called home and Dustin was there and said he'd been there for about 4 hours. I went off on him... then hung up determined to not let it cast a dark shadow on Ryan's party
The party was a blast. Ryan felt special and had fun.
We got home at 5pm and Dustin was sleeping soundly. When he finally woke up, I sat him down on the couch and had it out. I told him I wanted him to spend the next week at home.... he's still very sick. At that point he got upset and said he couldn't stay here anymore. He told me he still loves me with all his heart but he has to go and he gave me a big hug and asked if he could pick his stuff up tomorrow. I sat on his bed and rubbed his back while he played video games while he waited for his friend to pick him up. He gave me a big hug and "I love you" when he left and I haven't seen nor heard from him since.... and I'm trying not to die.
Ryan is gung ho about doing life right. He is so optimistic about getting his GED and doing what he needs to to get off probation. He is cheerful and said he understands that I couldn't put up with Dustin's stuff anymore.
I'm determined to not make Ryan feel like he's taking a back seat to Dustin's bad behavior anymore. I want Ryan to experience what it feels like to really have a parent paying attention and cheering for you without the distraction of codependency...just being there for him. But I am really, really hurt and I'm scared for my Son out there. He's still physically sick. It has not registered for him that he was near death.... he doesn't know how close he came. He evidentally came by while I was at work and got his clothes and took his quilt. This makes me sad....does this mean that now he's avoiding me?
In the meantime, I haven't shared much about what I'm going through with Ted and he is hurt because I am too depleted to be very interested in dealing with him.

the latest ....just a chronicle of what's been going on

2009-09-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. a lot has happened. i'm sorry if this is unpleasantly long. i just have to chronicle.
i got off of work one afternoon and went to Ted's house and he wasn't home -wierd. also wierd was that his bed wasn't made, his t.v. was still on, his phone, wallet and keys were on his nightstand. i was so exhausted that i just took my shoes off and climbed into his bed to nap. i figured i would be finding out whatever happened soon enough. soon i woke up because Ted was sitting on the end of the bed. he seemed fine, just preoccupied...not his usually cuddly self. he said, 'guess what happened to me!' "here we go" I thought.
He said he was feeling so good and so inspired because his clean life was going so well. He went to the convenience store. he typically gets enmeshed in the lives of people who work at convenience stores. He asked the clerk where the clerk was that usually works at that time. He said the other girls didn't like her and they ran her off because they suspected she used drugs.
so, Ted feeling all enlightened and full of vigor (as the story goes) went to her apartment to tell her that she was welcome to join us if she wanted to go to meetings. he said she was acting wierd and rocking back and forth and mumbling....so he left. This happened at 9pm. he said the police knocked on his door at 230 am and took him away for burgurlary (sp?) and because the girl said he offered her drugs for sex. They searched his trailer and found neither 'booty' or drugs. The girl gave 3 different versions of the story and even told the police that he didn't take anything.
the next day the judge let him out on O.R. because there was no evidence and he thought it was ridiculous and also the police and prosecutor did not even have formal charges to file.
What the judge thought didn't matter to the local paper who has been faithful to print all Ted's adventures. they printed his name and said he was arrested for burgalary and for offering a woman drugs for sex. so the next day at work..... i went to work and went about my business cheerily like i always do. it was only 45 minutes into my day when a friend/coworker pulled me aside to ask if i had seen the paper....she was looking out for me...she didn't want me to get blasted. i told her all about it. she said she wouldn't have known about it but our director emailed it to her to 'give her a heads up'
then my manager overheard our conversation and she joined in to say that the director had also emailed it to her. they wanted to make sure i was okay. the director told those two that she just emailed it because she wanted them to keep an eye on me to make sure my job didn't suffer.
i said they didn't even charge him, i'm not upset about this, i was more upset about the gawking and the paper being passed around.
as a result of the arrest Ted had to speak with his probation officer and he ended up telling him that he did nothing wrong but confessed to drinking a half a beer. so the P.O. had him arrested the next day, which the paper faithfully reported, and he went and spent 2 1/2 weeks in the Walla Walla State Penn. I called and talked to the P.O. to make sure this was all true and he said it was. He said it was just for the 1/2 beer and there wasn't anything else that he violated Ted on. So, when Ted got out, he got off the bus at 2 a.m. and there was a police cruiser waiting for him which followed him the entire one mile walk home and then the cruiser parked directly across the street from the big picture window that looks into Teds kitchen.
Since he's been out he has not left his trailer is convinced he can't shop in the local stores and that he MUST, MUST, MUST move out of Colfax. This is thrust at me each and every time that he talks to me. I simply do not own the problem. If he wants out of town he will have to arrange something. I know he is thinly veiling the urge to pressure me to let him move home with me and the boys in Pullman. This does not appeal to me on any level whatsoever.

....okay.......i'll have to finish the story later.....my fingers have ADD and are bored already.....

2009-08-26T07:54:00.001-07:00

....dealing with another 'bout with the local newspaper as one of my family gets his name in there again.....oh fun.....stares and whispers and stories...oh boy.

2009-08-18T10:07:00.001-07:00

I'm still sick in the head.

Ted really missed me and wanted me to spend the night Sunday night. I didn't want to, but I felt bad because I hadn't been spending much time with him at all since Ryan's been home.

I gave in knowing that it would be super late and way past my bedtime by the time I got to his house.

On the drive over to his house I was so mad that he pressured me into being up this late. I spent the whole drive reminding myself that it's not Ted's fault I said 'yes'. I could've said 'no.' I made this choice, I can't be mad at him.

When I arrived at his house, he saw how tired I was and said, "Oh, poor honey. Honey, you didn't have to come. I'm glad you did, but you didn't have to." And I tried so hard not to be grouchy to him because of my own choice. He was tickled I came and really spoiled me.

I'm sure that it wouldn't have been such the struggle for me if I wasn't so physically tired. The mind/body connection is strong.

Last Saturday I took a crew up to Spokane to visit Dustin at grown up rehab. The crew consisted of Ryan, Dustin's girlfriend and his friend, John.

At first, I was annoyed that I had tag alongs....(I've just been crabby lately) ...but then I reminded myself that I could've said 'no'...this was my choice....don't punish everyone for a choice I made.

I chose to enjoy these young people and get to know them. We had a great time, we laughed so hard. I found out a lot about Dustin's girlfriend. We both are interested in art. She can teach me a lot about it and is excited I want to learn.

We shared a meal at the greasiest burger joint in town and talked nonstop all the way home. It was so rewarding!!!!

I'm so glad I decided not to make everyone Pay for my choice!!! :)

I feel like such a petty person when I have these fights w/myself.

I don't want to be that petty person - I am NOT A VICTIM! I am responsible.

2009-08-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile..... no news is good news? or too much news to keep up on? whatever...we'll just deal with today. one day at a time - right?
today i am exhausted. i don't know what's wrong with me. the past two months i have been unreasonably, inexplicably exhausted.
today my boss is gone so I'm excited to get lots of work done.

Dustin is in rehab and is optimistic and cheerful and all those wonderful things they are until they get home.....no, I'm not cynical.... i just think he over-simplifies his problem when he's sheltered from temptation and doesn't take those temptations into consideration in all his planning for life "on the outs".

Ryan has been home for a while and is doing awesome. he has decided to pursue a GED instead of traditional High school diploma. all authorities in his life agree this is probably a good option for him.

Ted is doing phenomenally well in his little trailer in Colfax while I reside in Pullman. Although he wishes he could come home he is content to do what he needs to in order to prove himself. It's been since June 4 that he's been home.

In fact, I'm thinking about inviting him over to let him help me get this huge t.v. I bought at a yard sale out of my car and into my house. :) Ryan says the t.v. is too huge and he refuses to try and help me with this t.v. but is also very opposed to having Ted come over. Up to this point I haven't showed Ted where I live. So, I've been trying to be sensitive to Ryan and have been driving around with a 32" t.v. in my backseat for a week now.

Ryan confided in Becca's Mom that there may be a chance for he and Ted to have a relationship if Ted would let him come to him in his own time and not try and push it. That is far more generous than what I thought Ryan was thinking.

Ted researched meeting times and locations and asked me for a ride to one in Pullman last night. it's his first since he's been home in June. i didn't ask him a thing about it on the way home. he just wanted to talk about his mom's last day on the ride home.

2009-07-30T21:11:00.001-07:00

Really tired. Overwhelmingly. I thought it was because I got behind on my antidepressants, but I've been back on them for quite a while. Thought it might be the heat.
Had counseling appt. She suggested exercise and multivitamins.
And I explained how relationships were going with Dustin, Ryan, and Ted.
In a nutshell, she thinks my battles with Dustin are exhausting me and I have to put my foot down.
I thought I was but my tired body tells another story.
Battling with Dustin is a very wierd thing. Mostly because I'm often not aware we're battling until I lose my cool and go off on him. He is so open and pleasant and loving.....he just does as he pleases regardless of my rules.

The rules he breaks are things like:
no friends over when i'm not home
no letting friends shower and own my kitchen
be home by midnight
no girls overnight
no drinking while living under my roof.
do your regular 4 chores before you go anywhere

Nothing criminal in his defiance...just bugs the heck out of me because he's 19 almost 20, not working, living for free, out all night and sleeping all day....yada yada....
So I let him have it. He agrees to adhere. We mend up, have some laughs, share some moments. Then he goes into the kitchen to make dinner and takes it up to his room and I hear him tell a friend up there that "dinner is served" after the kid finished a shower.....

aaaaggggg!!! So, the curfew is now 11pm and I lock the doors if he's not here...and they'll remained locked while I'm gone for work. I give him a list of serious chores he has to do.... I told him since he's not working and contributing to rent that this house is his job and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to move somewhere where he can accept the rules. --no yelling. He understood, agreed, did everything I asked...but when I came home one of his buddies was parked in my carport and there were 4 of his friends sitting in the living room waiting for him to finish his chores.

His P.O. is fed up with him. He hasn't done any Community Service or attended meetings and he is supposed to be going to rehab but it's just been "impossible" for one reason or another.

Things are coming to a head.

Things on the Ted and Ryan front are fairly quiet.

Ryan is experiencing the highest level of motivation I've ever seen and he is so stubborn. When he makes up his mind...that's it. And he's made his mind up for the positive.

I could go on....enough writing for now....maybe more tomorrow.

Love and Care to all

2009-07-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

The last two visits with Ryan have been good. Ryan exercised much more self control. Becca has really been persuing rekindling their friendship, which is great to see. They were so very close. Donna and Becca have been joining Dustin and I and have been HUGE supports and Ryan has been appreciative. His JPO visited him last week in person and said Ryan seemed to be doing really well and that he was happy with what he saw in Ryan.

Dustin told me that since he got a dirty UA when he first came home and he didn't follow up with outpt counseling that he has to go to rehab for 3 weeks. He isn't working right now and he is living it up staying out all hours because "he's going away". I said 'Oh, brother!!! it's 3 weeks!" In the meantime it's been very difficult for him to get chores done while I'm at work because he's either too tired or gone. I come home from work and there's evidence all over that he's had his friends over for "snacks" and is long gone. He'll call and let me know that he's spending the night at a friend's house and so I really don't see much of him. I've told him how frustrated I am because he is now an adult and is living here rent free and not helping.

Ryan will probably be home from rehab in less than two weeks.

I had presented Dustin with the idea of Job Corp while he was in juvey prison ...but he was not open to it because he was sick of being in institutions.

Since he's been home since April and he knows how hard it is to get a job without an education or training, I approached him again with it.

If I was 19 again and I knew then what I knew now....I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's a free education/vocational training, you get free room and board, they pay you a stipend, and you work at your own pace so it could be short term. He still is not receptive to the idea. He said we can talk about it when he is done with rehab.

He has been enjoying running around with his friends, spending his money and energy on his social life. Which is typical 19 y.o. boy stuff. He's missing counseling appts and that's why he has to go to rehab. He really doesn't see how I could think he's not being responsible. It's time for him to grow up. He really is a good boy. He's very kind and we are close and can talk about anything, we laugh a lot. I truly enjoy his company....and I so miss him when he's gone.

I'm going to bring up Job Corps when he comes back from rehab and I'm considering telling him that he needs to do it or move out....because if he stays I don't want to continue like this until he's 30. I think it's time for him to leave the nest. I know the danger of ultimatums but I can't stand him doing nothing and the thought of being 65 someday and my sons still living at home.

You know....it's a little befuddling too.... when he was still in high school and he was using he would yell at me about how he was counting the days until he was 18 and he was going to be "out of here!!!"

4th of July

2009-07-03T18:37:00.001-07:00

Hope everyone has a fun and safe 4th!
I will be driving up to visit Ryan. Hopefully, we won't have fireworks there!

Saturday

2009-06-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

Saturday Dustin and I went up to Spokane to visit Ryan. He had earned a 2 hour 'outing'. So after the visit we were goting to go out to lunch. After arriving the counselor said we could have an additional 2 hours so we could take Ryan and Dustin down to hoopfest.

After chatting for just a few minutes Ryan was throwing around swear words about 5 X more than he does at home. So, I asked him to stop it while visiting with us. To which he answered with a string of more obscenities. I told him that if he wanted me to spend the day taking him to hoopfest then he better be nice to me. After 2 more times of him being blatantly rude to me (I had been there less than 10 minutes) I told him one more time and I would leave and he could forget hoopfest.

Less than 2 minutes later he brought up a friend's name and I asked , "Oh, how's he doing?" and Ryan mustered up one of the snottiest tones I've ever heard and said "why do you care?. So, I stood up and left the room. I waited in the hall for Dustin to finish his visit.

After a few minutes Dustin came out and asked me to come back because Ryan wanted to apologize. I said, "no, he's not sorry, he just wants to go to hoopfest." I told him he could finish visiting his brother and I would wait outside.

Then I went to the bathroom and tried to not cry.

Shortly before Dustin came out from visiting Ryan, I heard a tapping on the little window of the dorr to the visiting room and when I looked up Ryan gave me the middle finger.

I took Dustin home and spent the day going to yard sales.

At home, Ryan has punched holes in doors, has told me to shut up, called me bi***, f*** you, and left without permission staying out all not and there hasn't been much I could do about it. He didn't care what sanctions I tried to impose. Since I work fulltime it is almost impossible to enforce any of the prescribed punishments. He continued to do as he pleased.

It was so nice to be able to walk off when he got like that. At home he would basically snicker at me when I tried to put my foot down.

Weekend Brief

2009-06-22T11:21:00.001-07:00

Friday I cleaned like a madwoman because
Saturday I hosted a jewelry home party that lasted all night....
...discovered my cleaning like a madwoman didn't quite get everything, as I searched for extra coasters and discovered a used condom that Dustin stashed - auuuuggg! See pretense IS futile!
Sunday I went and visited Ryan. He is in rehab and he is really opening up about his feelings like he has never done.
Of course, Moms don't ever know the whole picture...but....I really don't believe Ryan is an addict. Not to drugs anyway. I don't see him driven to use. I do see him driven to pursue friendships with all that's within him and if it takes using drugs, so be it. But I don't see the drugs owning him like I've seen with Ted and Dustin.
I do, however, think rehab is a wonderful thing. He has counseling basically 24 hours and he has to participate and he WANTS to participate. He is picking up a ton of useful tools he can use to cope with life like a healthy young adult.
I took Ted grocery shopping in Moscow this weekend. Groceries in Moscow are 1/2 the price they are in Colfax and he is on foodstamps. On the way home, he asked to borrow some of our movies. Since he knows I'm not ready to expose my new home he didn't fuss when I dropped him off at a gas station to wait for me while I took the long way home to pick up a few movies for him. The detached me feels awesome!

Belated

2009-06-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Belated Father's Day to all you Dads out there!

dust settling....

2009-06-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

Okay....I think the dust is settling and Ted and I are done spazzing out. I'm being mindful of "all or nothing" thinking...this is just a period of adjustment.

After thinking about it I figured Ted was just in a poor mindset because I hadn't come by during the weekend and he was already struggling with feeling rejected and discarded. My detachment scares him.

So, I stopped by to touch base and see if he needed a ride anywhere because his feet have huge blisters all over them. We had a pleasant time and I spent some extra time with him, sitting in the park and talking.

The next day I stopped by for lunch and we had a lot of fun. We laughed so hard our bellies hurt. We've missed the friendship aspect of our relationship.

By the afternoon he was feeling so confident he suggested I let him come over and spend the night. And he pushed and pushed and discussed dinner and movie plans like it was a done deal. My defenses were down. I told him maybe tomorrow.

I went home and reflected. I acknowledged that he's being pushy and inserting himself because he's feeling unsure about my feelings for him.....but I am not ready to expose my new home yet. Not to mention how the boys would feel about it! Now to break it to him.

Next day, I stopped by for lunch. He made me a sandwich, cut diagonally with the crusts cut off and 4 oreo cookies. So cute.

I gave him a big long hug and told him that I love him and believe, that at the moment, he is 100% sincere about wanting to stay clean, and I am rooting for him, but we've been here many times, and he needs to stop pushing me and I want him to wait to come spend the night at my house until I invite him when I'm ready.

He went limp in my arms and sighed. Then he pulled back and said, "Ok, then we'll do it next week." I said, "No, you'll wait until you're invited." He said okay and left it alone.

After about 30 min I let him know that I appreciated that he was able to drop it and not push me farther, that I appreciated him respecting me and it was a big relief to not be pushed and I didn't feel like running away from him.

Yayyyyy! I feel like I'm growing up!

Thank you everyone for your supportive and humorous comments. Ms Hen, interesting concept about the chemistry. I've never thought of it quite like that before. Thank you everyone for sharing!

2009-06-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Just Let the Poop Hit the Fan" that's my new motto.

chicken

2009-06-14T20:53:00.001-07:00

I didn't call Ted back when he informed me of his return. I was partially just in shock, because I thought I had more time. Partially I was just being a chickenshit because I hadn't yet come right out and tell him that I didn't want hIm to come home. I just stopped communicating with him. I figured I had time to get the courage to act like a grown up and tell him.

I dreaded the confrontation and hurting his feelings. I know, the absurdity, like the discontinuing communication wasn't hurtful.

On top of being fearful of hurting him, I was fearful of him getting panicky or angry and putting the pressure on me and I wasn't confident I could stand up to him.

Since I dreaded it and wasn't prepared I just avoided it - my specialty. I figured if he couldn't talk to me over the weekend that he'd make other arrangements for a place to stay. I know I'm a coward....but it was also a little wise...he is very persuasive.

I felt so bad thinking of him getting off the bus at 2a.m. and no one was there to meet him. (of course, I didn't know he was coming) I've never not been there for him.

Monday back to work and I didn't get any phone calls or messages from him all day so I figured I could relax. About 15 minutes before the end of my shift I catch a glimpse of someone standing inside my office doorway. It was Ted. He looked very pale and sad.

So, I met him after work and we spent a couple hours together talking. I told him I was sorry for not calling him back. He came out first and said he wasn't mad at me, he knows it's going to take time to prove himself. He just wanted to know if he still has a chance with me, and to find out if I'd divorced him while he was gone.

He asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend until he's proven himself. I said yes, but he couldn't ask me for anything. If we wants to spend time with me than ask for that without asking for favors. I told him I need to know that I mean more than just a great resource to him.

He was agreeable to whatever, he was just so I happyI was speaking to him. He was just so happy to see me. We had kisses and hugs. I've missed having that so much. We have very, very strong chemistry and it's really, really hard to be tough.

So, the week has gone by and he's going to rent a trailer in Colfax, but it reaks of cat pee so the landlord has to replace the carpet before he can move in.

He wanted me to come by during the weekend, "if I could" and I said okay...without really listening to myself. During the weekend Ryan and I had plans and so I didn't make it to Colfax until yesterday.

So, yesterday I went to visit him and he was in a down mood. He reminded me that I was supposed to come see him Saturday. He said he doesn't know if he can do this Colfax thing. I asked "as opposed to what?" He said he didn't know. He went on about how the cat pee smell will never be able to be removed from that trailer....he doesn't know if he can live there...it's ridiculous to pay $380 for a trailer that reaks of cat pee... He doesn't even have a bed or furniture or more than 3 pairs of jeans and one pair of tennis shoes. He doesn't have transportation and he can't go without transportation. The Transplant Fund doesn't sound like they're going to help him much and DSHS acts like they don't want to help him. He asked me yet again if I told his Counselor that I didn't want him back.

He continued with his litany about how unbearable things are for him and I sensed he was working up to something....either to get me to let him back home now, or tell me he would be leaving town... or to tell me he was leaving town if I didn't let him come home. Everything was just impossible, everybody has badmouthed him, the cops keep driving by. And on and on and on.

When he is like this it makes me want to run screaming. I want to slap him and tell him to pull up his big girl panties and deal with it. I made an excuse to go and he got out of my car in a huff and stomped off. I didn't hardly say anything and I was exhausted after that 'conversation'.

I am rereading some letters I wrote him over the years to refresh my memory that I have grounds for being a hard ass.

2009-06-12T19:49:00.001-07:00

I stopped reading Ted's letters after I got the last one where he asked me for $400 to secure an apt for hm in Spokane and he would pay me back when he was released. It was just the last straw that said ...."it's just never gonna stop. It's never going to change. Let me off this merry go round.". I can't do it anymore! I've got to cut him loose or all of us will go down with him.

Last Friday I got a voicemail at work that said, "Honey, it's me. I'm at.....(a local number). Call me back"

What??!!??!!

Not prepared!

Had I opened the letters I would've known his release date.

Anniversary

2009-06-09T19:24:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the 6th month anniversary of the night our home burned down.
As unimaginably horrible as that night was.... my life is more beautiful.
God is good.
All I thought I lost has been replaced 1000 times over.
I am so GRATEFUL!!!
I still have to finish telling that story....finding words is hard

Unexpected....

2009-05-21T07:57:00.001-07:00

I very much agree, the authorities can be and have been a great support and resource. In fact, this is the same group that had walked with me over the past 4 years during Dustin's escapades. We (Juvenile services, Counselors, Me, School Staff) used to refer to ourselves as "Team Dustin" ....now we are "Team Ryan" - sigh.

One of the most horrifying, devastating moments of my life was when CPS put us on their caseload because the boys found a needle in the car Ted used on a prior binge. He was on a binge when CPS got involved. I went through the whole CPS ordeal without him.

It turned out that having CPS in our lives was a huge, wonderfully supportive experience. They provided in home counseling for me and Ryan (Dustin had gone to jail) and a Home Support specialist who helped me go through my finances and taught me how to organize my bills and manage my money. They bought heating oil and groceries for us until I could get caught up. They had me get into a domestic violence support group, Al Anon, and personal counseling.

They had me get a restraining order against Ted and told me that if I let Ted come back that they would take Ryan away from me. I felt such guilt when I had Ted served with those papers.....but it turned out to be a wonderful buffer that protected me from my own enabling behavior so that I wouldn't sacrifice our well-being in order to meet all Ted's demands and take care of him, and he was very demanding during that time because he was using very, very heavily then.

I'm sure at that time that I wouldn't have been strong enough to tell Ted to stay away without CPS backing me up. I would've continued to try in vain to juggle all our needs. CPS provided releif, hope, and protection.....funny, huh? God works in mysterious ways. His ways are higher than our ways.

My relationship with the Juvenile Services Dept. is very good. In fact, yesterday when Ryan had a warrant they allowed me to go pick him up and bring him into the station rather than sending a squad car to pick him up, which is totally against protocol. It was really nice that I didn't have to have the squad car come to my new home.

I've spent many hours hanging out in their office and I told them "if I have to spend all my free time in juvenile court at least I get to hang out with a fun bunch"

Today...

I arrived at the courthouse and waited for JPO to finish chatting with Ryan. He spent at least 45 minutes with him. The Truant Officer chatted with me while I waited and she said the parts of the conversation Ryan was having with his JPO were not good. She said he was being very hostile with JPO and told him that he was going to do whatever it took to make his job as hard as he can, and that he doesn't care if he has to go to jail.

Later, in the hallway, JPO told me to join Ryan and have him fill me in on their conversation. After talking to Truant Officer I was not looking forward to this. I went in and sat by him and Ryan told me that he wanted to go to meet with the Drug Counselor and get into inpatient rehab. Not sure how he went from saying just yesterday that he doesn't get high, that the dirty UA's are wrong to admitting needing Inpt rehab. The Judge let him come home with me on house arrest and be let out only for community service and for couseling appts until his trial date on June 4.

So after court I brought him home and we will see how this plays out. JPO says he is hopeful. I'd sure appreciate prayers from anyone willing.

2009-05-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Ryan didn't bother coming home last night. The last time he did this I told him that I had my fill of chasing people around and he knows it's violating his probation to do this and if he does it again I'm not going to waste my time chasing him down (tough talk) and that I was just going to report him. He said he understood.

Last Thursday after I picked him up from jail he threw a big tantrum because he asked to spend Friday night at a friend's house and I told him he needed to clear it with his JPO. He said a lot of angry words....such as he's going to do what he wants and he's purposely going to not do school so he will have to go back to jail and make me cry over and over. I reminded him that it would be he sitting in the cell paying for his behavior not me..... it really didn't matter what I said.... so that's all I said.

So, he didn't come home last night and so this morning I reported it to his JPO. JPO was already working on getting an arrest warrant for Ryan for his PV's. After work I found Ryan and had to bring him to the Police station, and they cuffed him, gave him a fabulous lecture, that impressed me but not him, and took him and i will see him again tomorrow morning in court. This should be a real treat. His poor attorney...what can he possibly say to defend him? Poor Judge Frazier what can he say that's fresh to make an impression? I know the folks at the "opposing table" will have plenty to say.

Dustin will be spending this long weekend with his Dad in Coeur D'Alene. I had invited my sister and my neice down before I knew all this would unfold. So, we will have a 'girl's weekend"

I really miss my little girlie neice. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

I will write an update following court tomorrow.

2009-05-13T12:30:00.001-07:00

This weekend I spent time re-reading some favorite parts of the bible. My favorite one right now is where He tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. God makes a true statement there.

Had a counseling appt today. I'm actually in a good place, being too exhausted to play games. Sometimes I would feel guilty because I'm not capable of summoning up all the panic that would spring me into action on Ted and Dustin's behalf....I'm too spent to do that for Ryan. I didn't want him to feel left out. But, I think that's actually better for Ryan than the spazzing out I used to do for them.

Last Thursday Ryan had to go to court for truancy again as he has not been putting in the required 20 hrs per week online. The Judge sentenced him to another 7 days in jail. So that's where he's been and I go pick him up tomorrow. He gave him the option of writing a 50 page paper about anything....he would be released upon completing the paper, if he wanted.

Thank you everyone.... I appreciate the comments you've left and have really thought about all of them.

I've pasted the lastest note from the Truant Officer.

-------------------------------

Gail,

I apologize for the delay in responding to you, but I have been out of the office the last couple of days although it wouldn?t have made any difference as far as Ryan?s paper is concerned. He completed 11 pages (although he skips lines and I probably should only count them as half a page, I will accept them as whole pages) but the additional 14 pages he had faxed here look like the one I scanned as an example. Even if I counted 30 or so words as a page (which is what he evidently thinks I will do which is completely insulting to the court), he would still only have 25 pages done. Since that is clearly unreasonable for the obvious lack of effort, I will count the 14 faxed pages as a total of 3 which gives him an actual total page count of 14 as of 10:00 this morning. Since his 7 days is complete tomorrow, it appears unlikely at the rate he is going that he will complete the additional 36 pages needed for early release.

I am disappointed that once again Ryan chose to just sit out the 7 days at Martin Hall. As I told him on Thursday, I would have gladly had him released on Friday had he shown any attempt to complete the judge?s assignment which would have purged his contempt. As I have told you many times before, this was Ryan?s choice, not yours. He chose to be at Martin Hall for 7 days and once again miss his drug/alcohol and mental health evaluations in addition to the opportunity to complete community service hours and school work. As both you and Ryan know, the consequences of his continued non-compliance are much greater with probation than they have been with only the truancy order in place. At this point, I am not sure what it will take for Ryan to ?get it?.

M. spoke with Ryan this morning and will speak with you later today (he said you can call his cell if you want to at xxx-xxx-xxxx to arrange Ryan?s release tomorrow.

Sherri

Ryan

2009-05-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm just pasting the email I got this morning from Ryan's JPO....it just sums up the state of affairs at home:

I am looking over my notes from the meeting I had with Ryan on 4-23-2009. On that day, Ryan called and scheduled meetings for a drug and alcohol evaluation for 4-1 at 10 a.m. and a mental health intake at 5-4 @ 10 a.m. Did he make the 5-1 meeting? If not, he missed 2 scheduled meetings. It is up to Ryan to call and reschedule, PRC won’t let me do it for him. I also told Ryan he needed to have community service lined up by 5-1 which gave him 8 days, and then I wanted him to start doing so this week. He failed to do so. I did take Ryan to the humane society and he was given an orientation packet that needs a signature from you, I hope that he showed you this last night. They also gave him orientation dates of Wednesday and Saturday. He did not want to do it today, but I told him unless he already has a meeting that conflicts with the orientation on Wednesday, I was mandating him to attend, and since I was not assured he would go on his own, I told him I would pick him up at 3 to have him at the orientation at 3:15 p.m.

Ryan is completely lethargic, rude, and disrespectful. He tried to literally walk off twice while I was talking to him. I have been unimpressed with his attitude and more so his behavior thus far. There are probably 3-4 probation violations between, UA’s, missed scheduled meetings, lack of school progress, and the hole he put in your door. I don’t see any reason to hold off on a probation violation, Ryan has continually given me the message, verbally and in his actions that he doesn’t care.

The hole in your wall is potentially a new crime. It would most likely constitute a Malicious Mischief 3, but unless it is reported, nothing will come of it. I am encouraging you at this point to report that to law enforcement. It is your choice, however, Ryan’s misbehaviors will continue if he thinks you are not reporting crimes and violations, I am not sure if that is the message you want to send to him.

Regarding the community supervision specifically, I told him that I was setting it up, taking him to the orientation and would make him sign up for times to do the community service because if he does not follow through it would be willful refusal and I would violate him. I asked him if he understood this and he made some kind of grunt which I will interpret as a confirmation.

All in all Gail, Ryan doesn’t get it or doesn’t care, by his account, the latter. He has been involved with the civil action of truancies for a while and has also seen how Dustin and Ted have had legal problems and probation issues, thus he knows there are consequences for his actions and at this time, does not seem to be behaving or acting in a way that is consistent with making any progress. This limits my ability to provide adequate services for Ryan in hopes he can get the help he needs and leaves the punitive aspect of being held accountable which I intend to do.

Thanks,

2009-05-05T11:35:00.001-07:00

Does anyone else get twice as much work done when the boss is gone? It's only Tuesday and I've almost accomplished a week's worth of work. Even though she continues to email us from across the country.

Even though I've had a little tummy trouble and everyone is not so subtly trying to send me home because everyone's afraid of the swine flu. I'd rather be at work than at home. Home is hostile.

Work's my vacation. I know what I'm doing there. And they give me dollars for it! :) Dollars are good.

Maybe it's because of my tummy trouble today....but I am loving Fragrant Liar's Cinco De Mayo post....please check it out....it's clever art.

Time to up the prozac?

2009-05-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

Dustin just came home from visiting his Dad for the first time. He had a blast. John took him birthday shopping.
Checked the mail today. There's a notice that I have a certified letter and so that probably means that Ryan and I have to go to court again on Thursday. Ryan hasn't been doing the required 20hrs of online high school. He has a 8pm curfew on weeknights and twice in the past 4 days he took off before I got home from work and didn't come home without me hunting him down and finding him the following evening. I told him that I wasn't going to hunt him down again...I would just report him to the police.
He had a mandatory drug/alc eval today and he didn't go. Tomorrow he has a meeting with the teacher handling his online schooling and his Probation Officer will be there.
He has been pretty obnoxious when he doesn't get his way. I have another new hole in another door.
Sigh....

Settling Down

2009-04-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

I think Dustin is finally settling down. He actually stayed home the past two days and just enjoyed his new environment. When he first got home he seemed to have been filled with this anxiety that he needed to catch up on everything he missed while he was 'down' for the past year.
Watching Dustin adjust to life on 'the outs' has helped me to understand Ted a little more. Ted gave one reason for getting into drugs was that he felt like he missed out on 10 years of his life and getting released over 40y.o. he felt like he wanted to relive his youth. I thought that was sad .... if that was his youth why not relive someone elses youth.
Dustin and Ted both talked of the racism. Dustin said he felt really out of place as he was the minority and Ted said he HAD to pick sides to survive and so did some work for the "brotherhood" in order to have some protection. They both talked of corrupt corrections officers. They said for the most part they were okay....but some were bad. Ted said he witnessed them once kill a guy they were taking down.
They both hovered over their plates and ate really fast when they first got home.
They both felt the need to ask me for permission for EVERY little thing they did at first.
Until Dustin came home and shared some of his experiences, I thought Ted was just exaggerating as was his habit and making excuses for his behavior and subsequent acquisition of a large stack of conduct reports.
I don't know if it's just because we live kind of out in the boonies or what....but I wish there was more education to prepare inmates and their families for reacclimating emotionally to 'the outs'.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I am very grateful for the imparted insights!!!!! Babz, that other blog of yours may have been out of 'circulation' for a while but it has some really great stuff!

Adjusting

2009-04-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dustin has been home now for 2 weeks. The adjustment has not been without bumps. At first he struggled with freedom....it just felt like too much. It was wierd for him to go the mall and be around crowds of people without structure in place. It was wierd for him to be able to go to bed whenever he wants.... he keeps asking me permission for every thing. He is surprised at every new building that has gone up around town in his absence.

The first time he tried to encourage his brother to get his stuff done so they could go hang out, his brother blasted him for being out of line (which he wasn't) and for trying to be his dad. It's been an adjustment for brother too.

We had to do a lot of shopping because everything he owned was burned and all his clothes and toiletries needed to be replaced.

It's been an adjustment for me too.... For the past year Dustin's been calling home and has told his counselor's that he and his mom are really "tight" ... and we had many, many really great and fun phone conversations. He so looked forward to calling home and he wrote all the time and drew pictures for me. He was very disappointed if we missed his calls.Now that he's home, he is off and running and kind of sees me as an obstacle now to all his fun. I knew that would be the case when he got home... I understand...he is only 19....but it still hurts a tad. Now, he mostly wants to know if I can give him rides to see other people... or if he can use my cell phone to call his friends.

Dustin's been a little frustrated too because his adult life isn't taking off to the fast start that he hoped it would. He is unable to get his license because the DOC hasn't sent him i.d. yet and he doesn't have any other picture i.d. or social security card because they were burnt in the fire. And he is having to job hunt on foot and hasn't had any offers yet. Also, he is frustrated because he has really missed "having a girlfriend".

Oh, well, we will al hang in there and things will smooth themselves out and we will all survive just fine.

Dustin is Home!

2009-04-18T13:17:00.001-07:00

My Oasis

2009-04-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

I see all the clever titles of others' blogs borne out of deep thoughtful insight or great humor. Mine looks so simple and elementary on the surface.

The reality is that it is a screaming, defiant assertion. It is somewhat of a silent, cautious scream, albeit a scream on the world wide web.

Colfax is a town of about 2000 people...I lived, worked and raised my kids with the people of Clfx for 8 years. I spent 40 hrs a week w/these people at work, had my kids in the same day care and school, shopped at the same grocery store, went to the same church, took my kids to the same swimming pool, spent countless hours traveling all over Eastern Washington to spend more countless hours watching our children play sports together, when it was time to go home we lived nearby one another, smiled and waved when doing yardwork and watching our children play outside, meeting in the middle of our residential streets to chit chat. We all shared the same loving, wholesome family values.

Absolutely NO ONE who knew us had a remotely unfavorable opinion of us. It was truly a sappy, lovey, old fashioned way 0f life. And I was on the inside..... and happy, peaceful.

2004, two days before Dustin turned 14, Ted came home from prison after being there for 10 years. The community welcomed him lovingly and offered him overwhelming, astounding amounts of love and support in every form, financially, relationally, spiritually, etc. The adjustment was ugly. He had a violent temper and was very irrational and was relentless and merciless in his verbal attacks. Dustin began drinking, smoking pot, and negative contacts with law enforcement leading to probation and incarcerations, etc. At this point, Ryan was along for the ride.

This was the beginning of the rapid and excruciating downward spiral. That most of you're all personally and intimately familiar with.

My life became a huge source of bewilderment to the community. The folks that genuinely cared, were at a total loss. They sympathized wholeheartedly but were unable to empathize.

The ones that cared, from arms length, were saddened by my situation but felt no need to slow down any of the "talk" going around about us. In fact gossip is a civic responsibility in Colfax. It's no joke...The security of the community depends on the faithful distribution of abundant information. No such thing as TMI in Colfax. If you knew something and didn't share you obviously didn't care about the 'rest of us'.

Then there were the ones that didn't know me and so did not care. They were the ones that "information", true or false, flowed through freely.... like through the Alaskan pipeline.

Then there were the ones that had become Ted's new secret friends, the ones he was 'secretly' using with.... they hated his 'straight' wife and openly smirked at me. They put their heads together, whispered and laughed at me whenever they saw me at the grocery store or the gas station. They seemed to revel in my pain and all my spinning of my wheels. I had to face them alone. I did not know about Nar Anon.

The next 4 yrs consisted of the steep and slippery slope of alienation, isolation, humiliation, financial chaos, unbearable heartache, separations, reconciliations, separations, reconciliations, arrests, bailouts, rehabs.....yada...yada...yada...yada..... you all can fill in all those blanks...

And as if my real life were not horrendous enough fodder for gossip. Stories surfaced.... once I got a very awkward phone call at work from Dustin's Juvenile Probation Officer to tell me they were sorry, they were hoping it wasn't true, but they heard that Dustin died in a cliff-diving accident. Another time, Ted got in a fight with the owner of ACE hardware and his friend and then with the arresting officer. This confrontation had been in the making since the day he arrived (with all 3 of these people). It took three sheriff's and one state trooper to take him down....he was saturated with mace and tasered three times. It was already awful.... but people actually felt the need to embellish that!!!!

Then of course every incident over those years was given prominence in The Daily Bulletin - a one page, two-sided daily paper.

It seemed that no one cared anymore how torn we were, how much we cried or how much we bled. We were becoming more objects of pitiful disdain, than titilating entertainment.

I felt that the boys and I stood no chance of ever having normalcy unless we removed ourselves from the smothering negative stigma. So about 18 months ago we moved 15 miles away to Pullman. Our personal problems did not stop of course, but at least we weren't living them in a fishbowl made of magnifying glass. Our pain and stress no longer was compounded by public scrutiny. We could now bleed somewhat privately. That did alleviate much stress!

However, I did not change jobs and so still have my 40 hour a week relationship with those same people. I have tried not to bring anything personal to work in the hopes that over time the fascination with the Kents will wither away. Sounds easy enough.

Last June, after living in Pullman for a year, Ted was arrested. The Daily in Pullman in Colfax dedicated 1/4 of there paper at least once a week to reporting his antics. It was remarkable as The D.B. rarely does that for anyone that isn't a current resident of Colfax. When he was given his current prison sentence they gave him even a larger portion of the paper and spelled out in detail everything he's done since he's been home. The Director of my department felt it necessary to bring the paper to work and share it with my Supervisor and coworkers.

I tried twice to have a MySpace....where I enjoyed blogging... but people found out and wanted access and found it awdward to deny them without causing more ripples for myself. I've tried Facebook three times. This last time I was extra dilligent and only told one person that I know from work, and a couple of other people. Within two weeks of signing up I ended up being called into the office at work over something that surfaced there!

I have been fortunate to have arrived at a destination in my mind where I know without a hint of a shadow of a doubt that pretense is futile. The poor folks I used to live with do not understand.

This blog serves as a safe haven for me to say what I want. I have a mess of a life. I have messy people. I AM messy people. .......I love my people and my life with all my heart. And I love my blogger buddies who embrace my pimples!

Dustin is coming home!!!!

2009-04-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I can hardly stand being at work because I'm consumed with excitement! My child is coming home. Tomorrow I will pick him up from the parole office in Spokane and we will meet with the family and have a graduation dinner party probably at Red Robin since he got his high school diploma last week! Then we will probably do some shopping to replace all the things he lost in the fire. I just want to scream I can hardly stand sitting here!!!!!!!

here's a link to a new blogger: Take a Stand

so excited i figured out the link thing

My Jumble

2009-04-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Dustin will be home in a few days. He's already making plans to earn some money for car insurance. He said he'll even sell blood plasma.

I picked Ryan up after 7 days in the juvenile detention last week. He talked the whole 90 minute drive home. He told me that he liked it. ??!!??!! I don't know what to make of that but i do know that he has been different at home. He has been very open and responsible. It's almost like he's more relaxed now.... It's like he went through some rite of passage.

Ted wrote me a few letters over the past couple weeks. The majority of them have been very sweet, loving, and somewhat sensible. Then he sent one that I received on 3/31/09 that said he needed me to do a huge favor. He had a list of 3 halfway houses in Spokane and he needed me to send $405 to one by 4/1/09 otherwise, he tells me, that he'll have to stay in prison until June. ???!!!!???!!! Where do i even start with this? I'm just going to move on to the next subject.

I got a notice from the court that our pending divorce has been dismissed due to inactivity. So, that means in order to see it through I will have to do the paperwork all over and refile and have him served again. Sheesh.... trying to decide to follow through with a divorce that was already pending was already hard....now I'll have to start over.

I got to go to the Daveport Hotel in Spokane for a work conference- a state meeting for my professional association. My hospital paid for the trip. The hotel is absolutely breathtaking. It's a historical landmark. All our meals were gourmet-licious! I'm really fortunate that my hospital funded this. There were many, many, many usual faces that were not there this year because of the poor economy. I tried to take pictures with my cellphone but I don't think they turned out very well.

It's Okay

2009-03-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's not that everything is going to be okay..... everything is okay right now....give up and go with the flow.....

More Evidence

2009-03-28T12:06:00.001-07:00

More evidence I am not God. It occurred to me today that my mind is just not omniscent. (just ignorant, not arrogant:) It cannot be in all places at all times.
In order to think on one thing I have to take my minds-eye off something else. If I'm looking at how angry I am at one friend, I overlook the 15 other really great friends I have. If I'm suspicious and trying to catch Ryan up to no good, then I miss out on that he made me dinner and did all his chores without asking. If I'm thinking about how eerily quiet my house is, then I miss out on how truly peaceful it is.

I know this is elementary....but I need reminding A LOT! This actually can be a good thing when you harness it. The thing is that I am getting better at choosing which of the limited thought topics I can let rattle around in my skull.

In fact, there's a 'fiending' managment tool I learned while visiting Dustin at rehab....when urges or anger or whatever impulsive thought is feeling like it's overtaking you then just hold your breathe -forever - it won't take long for your brain to forget about your urges and freak out because it's oxygen starved.

Another tool that I've put off because of the fire and the cold weather is exercise..running, walking, aerobics, etc. Why did I let me talk myself out of doing these things for so long?!

Today, I left the house in sweats burdened with many things...."do I continue to be faithful to Ted while after all these years I'm STILL alone.... do I waste more of my youth in faithfulness to him? Do I even have it in me to not hang in there? Loneliness is so painful.... I so miss having someone to cuddle with, I miss having someone to shower sweetness and adoration on...and I miss being adored! I loved being married and I was a good wife! dang it!!!

Dustin will be home in a few days....what's that going to be like? A coworker's home burned down. Ryan is super irritable today....what's that about....oh, I have to figure out a better budget......then there's the whole world recession thing.....and when did I turn 40? " and many others. I was almost nauseous.

After a few minutes of walking with all these thoughts racing, racing, racing around, I started jogging..... after a few minutes of that I noticed I was breathing hard (haven't done that in a long time -- wink, wink) and it felt good. Then I noticed how much fun my dog was having. She scared up a couple pheasants, some quail, a red-winged blackbird and made a couple canadian geese mad.

I started getting endorphin high pretty quick and felt NO PAIN physically and more importantly emotionally. I mean I literally felt like I smoked or swallowed something good. It was freakin' awesome! Now what was I upset about? All I see is pretty river rocks, and reeds in the creek as I run between it and the Palouse River. I feel strong and my only thought of Ted is how he used to love how strong my legs were and would say that if I ever kicked someone I would probably really hurt them..... he should've kept that in mind better.....:)

My 'high' is allowing me to filter my issues with a cleaner sift before I expose myself verbally or in actions. Leaves so much less of a mess! fewer crisis to deal with later. That's my goal in life - keep the crisis to a minimum....life's hard enough.

Great Daily Reading

2009-03-24T22:25:00.001-07:00

Today's daily reading from "More Language of Letting Go" by M. Beattie was great. Here it is....

Cultivate a sense of peace, an abiding inner peace that doesn't depend on outward circumstance.
So much chaos, so much drama, so many emotions surge through us. It is so easy, so tempting to believe that once we get through this circumstance, once we achieve this goal, once we solve this problem, then we will be peaceful.
That's an illusion.
"I'm happy when I get what I want," said kent. "For a few minutes."
Getting what we want may cause us to feel happy for a moment, but it will bring a limited, transient happiness. The next problem or emotion will present itself. Or we will begin resenting that person or job, because he, she, or it did not bring the happiness we believed it would. Like a carrot on a stick, happiness will always be the next problem, acquisition, or emotion away.
Be peaceful now.
Be happy now.
Take the limits off your joy.

God, help me remember to be peaceful first, no matter what situation I face.

Staying Busy- Saturday's Post Mar 21

2009-03-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

I attached a map just to show what part of the world I am currently in. If you look at the SouthEast part of Washington State you will see Pullman.....that's where I'm at.

Today I have been super productive. Don't know if it's just me being uninhibited by the usual preoccupation for my boy and what he's up to ....or.... if it's me just trying to avoid thinking about him being in Martin hall. Whatever - I'm loving getting so much done. I love being productive. I don't think it's me just being sick...I think it's just how I'm wired. Makes my feel STRONG...."I can bring home the bacon...ba boom ba boom....fry it up in a pan....ba boom ba boom...." you know the rest....

I've gotten my hair trimmed, gone grocery shopping, gone to Walmart for things for Dustin since he's coming home in 17 days, took out trash, did ALL the laundry, dishes, gone to Blockbuster, the Dollar Tree, gave the dog a bath, washed out her dog crate, took the dog for a 2 mile run, talked to my mother, to Dustin, and my ex-husband--oi!

Tomorrow I will be going to church, driving 90 minutes to visit Ryan, then going to Spokane for supplies, wash my car, put some springtime hilights in my hair. Organize and clean every room upstairs. Oh, and nap.....Sunday is nap day. It is eerily quiet around here.

Home Alone

2009-03-20T11:10:00.001-07:00

Thursday we went to truancy court. The Vice Principal showed up. He said that he hasn't been to truancy court for over two years....but Ryan's skipping has been so severe he felt necessary to appear. I woke Ryan up early and he was angry with me for it. He refused to shower and wore hole-y jeans and a hoodie. The Juvenile Truant Officer spoke, the Vice Principal spoke, Ryan's lawyer spoke and I spoke. The Judge was irritated to hear of Ryan's behavior. He asked Ryan what he had to say for himself and he answered, "nothing" and that really made the Judge mad. He made him stand up at the podium and listen to him while he yelled at him for about 15 minutes. Then for another 15 minutes while he prepared a notebook in which Ryan can write a 50 page paper, and to sign orders. He ordered Ryan be taken to Martin Hall juvenile detention immediately to serve a seven day sentence. He can be released as soon as he gets that paper done or he can choose just to serve the whole seven days. He doesn't think he can write a paper of that size and so said he isn't going to try. The judge ordered him handcuffed and taken away immediately....no waiting at all! He said next time the charges will be criminal rather than civil. Boy, things sure are different. I remember skipping almost a whole year of high school by forging my Dad's signature on notes to excuse me. They took him and I started shaking uncontrollably and crying. The Truant Officer had me follow her to her office and worked feverishly to get all the paperwork completed that I needed to sign so I could hurry up and get out of there and have my breakdown. We've spent enough time together over the years that she knew I was ready to blow. I got to spend some time with Ryan saying good-bye. He looked so young. He looked scared and like he wanted to cry but I knew there was no way he would.
I went home alone. All my family members are incarcerated.
I self-medicated with fine italian lasagna, a six-pack of Corona, and Godiva chocolate cheesecake. I go all out for my pity parties.
I talked to Dustin tonight and he is on cloud nine because it's only 18-ish days until he comes home. And it is a for sure thing that he'll have his high school diploma when he comes home. I told him about Ryan and his response was, "Good! Stop freaking out Mom. This is what he needs." He feels Ryan will hate jail so bad that he'll get the paper done in a day or so.

Born Yesterday

2009-03-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. Wow! What a great day. My Sister and I stayed up way too late watching chick flicks on Saturday night...then my Mother called at 8:30 to sing "Happy birthday". Then she called to say that she was on her way....then she called to say she was almost here.....then she called to say she was in town.....then at the end of the day, after she left, there were 3 more phone calls from her to report her various stages of progress on the highway home.

Anyway she came to town and joined us, then Becca and two of her friends came over, so I had a houseful --- a houseful --- I have a home to fill up ---sorry, just drinking that in for a minute.

My sister gave me a bunch of yummy smelly stuff from Victoria's Secret...mmmmmmm. My Mom brought me a Pendleton blanket....these are very treasured and meaningful in our family. Our tribe gives these to the members to comemorate special milemarkers like graduating from college.... She got me the Great Star blanket and in my favorite color - purple. Mom also brought me a bunch of sketches that she's been working on. I've posted the one she did of Chief Joseph on my sidebar. My Stepdad called and said he would be sending me a parenting thing that he heard about on the radio that he thought sounded good. In the past these kinds of suggestions would really insense my pride....now....there's just no hiding my garbage and I can't pretend I know it all....because it's apparent to all that I don't! Now....I see pretention as a silly barrier.

During luscious chocolate cake and ice cream, my friend Todd came by with some more furniture from his store that his wife, Shelly, and I had ordered. Todd and Shelly furnished my whole new place for free with furniture from their store after my house burned down. I have awesome friends!!!

One of the items he brought was Ryan's daybed. It's the coolest thing. It's very masculine and all in black. It has a drawer under it that houses another twin bed. It came in 3 boxes and Todd didn't have time to stay and put it together for us. My phone was ringing off the hook all flippin' day.....my Dad even remembered to call me. So, while I was trapped on the phone, Ryan got busy and didn't wait for anyone and found the instructions for putting his bed together and put the whole crazy thing together all by himself!!!!! I was so impressed! He hasn't had anyone show him that kind of manly stuff. It looks like he did it right and it's sturdy. Then for $5 he went and put my bed together :)
It was a great day....but I am draggin' today. Only two more hours to go.

I'm thinking BOOTCAMP!

2009-03-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

detaching or being irresponsible?

2009-03-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

When it's a 15 y.o. boy I feel like there's a very fine line between being detached or being an irresponsible parent....
....I feel like this is both in my eyes and in the eyes of authorities.....

Worried for nothing?

2009-03-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Ted the other day. It was a very sweet letter. No attempts at manipulation that my broken antenae could read into. He told me that they are moving him to a prison in Yakima that is a nursing home/prison and then they will send him to live in an "apt" in one of the halfway houses in Spokane. He told me he couldn't come home because Dustin and he can't live together while on probation. He apologized for his last letter and said that if anyone has stood by their man, it's me and he's grateful. He said he was sending me a birthday card, and he did. He told me that he will always be faithful to me until the day he dies. He told me his goals are to go to meetings, to go to all his doctor appts, to complete an inpatient program, get his new liver..... He is praying that I will come see him in Spokane. He said his heart will always be mine.
So many feelings....that I will have to get in touch with when I have more time.

Woo Hoo

2009-03-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, Look! I got my first award! From one of my heros...Lou.... Thank you, Lou!....... Garsh!

I'm touched. I'm almost speechless.

I'd like to pass this award on to Cat, Frankie, and Junky's Wife. I don't know how to do the cool little "link-y" thing.

moving forward?

2009-03-05T21:10:00.001-08:00

Mornings are sort of surreal for me since we moved into our new place and had all our stuff replaced after the fire.

I still wake up wondering "who's stuff is this? I love it. It's beautiful stuff, but who's is it?' It will be a while before it feels like my stuff. Beauty for ashes. My new life is so far removed from life before the fire.

Ryan's court date was rescheduled due to a rape case. In little ol' Colfax, population 2500...no one thinks crimes like that can happen. They have no idea how rampant meth has become in that little town - no idea! I didn't either for the first 8 years that I lived there. You know, I only moved 15 miles away but it seems like another world and I don't know what took me so long to do it. At any rate that gives Ry a couple weeks to amp it up at school to impress the judge.

I am relating to a recent post of Lou's about moving forward. I love the fact that I'm not alone in the world and there are others that are trying to cope with the chaos caused by loved ones addictions. Especially after being isolated for so many years in "Po-dunk". I love that because of others' sharing I can learn to achieve peace and happiness in spite of what they are doing, that just because they want to have a storm I don't have to be in it .... but.... It does get hard sometimes to offer and ask for empathy, commaraderie, and guidance without feeling like I'm just whining and acting like a victim. That's a downward spiral. There's no light at the end of that tunnel. I've decided to supplement my growth by revisiting a book I started a couple years ago... it was so packed that I had to reread the first two chapters over and over to try and digest it all. It explains how to stop giving power of your life to externals ....yada yada...in other words, how not to be anyone's stooge. Anyway the book is called, "The Powerful Self" by Steven Stosney. My goal is to actually digest the whole book.

Tomorrow is Friday!!! And it's payday Friday!!! Woo hoo! I love my job at the hospital, but lately I've been missing driving cab. It was so fun. Since this is a University town I met people from all over the world. One of my favorite rides was a bunch of guys from Australia who were living in Canada and flew down for the Apple Cup. They spent a half hour mimicking for me how funny Canadians talk (with their Australian accents - it was a challenge) then when I dropped them off they looked in the wallets and said that American money looks so funny and handed me everything in them! That was a great ride! I only did it on weekends and the extra money was great, but I have a 15 year old that does not need to be left alone on weekends! Oh, well, maybe in a couple/three years all my dreams of being a cabbie can be realized.

Hi, back, Frankie.....

2009-03-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Not real productive at work....we moved into our newly remodeled office and it's gorgeous. I'll work extra hard tomorrow:)

I went a day and a half without a cigarette!

Had an appt w/counselor and discussed the letter I'll be sending to Ted to tell him that he needs to make other release arrangements....now to go through with mailing it.

Tomorrow Ryan and I have a court date because of his truancy. Last Sunday he was all jazzed because he said he was going to have his best week ever at school and he meant it. He said the teachers were going to be calling and telling me all about it. Last Monday he got suspended again because a teacher ordered him to go to the principal's office because he said Ryan was swearing in the hall. Ryan wouldn't go to the office because he said he wasn't the guy swearing. So he was fetched and brought to the office... where he was told he was going to be suspended for insuboordination to a teacher and he stormed out. But then...... he came back and tried to plead his case to the Vice Principal telling him all about the great week he was going to have. The VP wouldn't change his mind and Ryan left again. In the midst of all that I was so excited because I saw a little light in all that ---- Ryan went back!! He manned up and swallowed his anger and tried to make things right. That's huge for him! I let him know how proud I am of him for doing that. Even though he could've avoided the whole thing by just going to the office when he was told.

We've had some good talks lately. I told him that I've really treasured this time that has just been he and I at home and will always remember it as one of my favorite memories of my life. I think he's really felt "back-burnered" alot because of all the drama with Ted and Dustin over the past few years.

Yesterday Dustin's former probation officer stopped by with the summons. It was great to see him and we yacked for about an hour. In spite of all the trouble the boys have been in I love our juvenile services department. They are a unique bunch. They are not calloused people and genuinely care about my sons... after all their years they still believe that people can change and are rooting for them. They don't just write anyone off. Really - I'm not just being gullible - they're really like this. They respect me too....in fact the Truant Officer said that if my circumstances were different they would round up a desk to add to their office so I could join them.

I am thinking about starting a Nar Anon family group in our town. The nearest one right now is an hour drive away. There was a man from the University that was willing to help me get it going but his name and number was written on a business card that burnt in the fire.

Well, off to do chores. I'm so grateful for my beautiful new home that I have to dust, vacuum, do dishes, and laundry :)

Step one?

2009-03-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

This weekend was boring and beautiful. Oh, how I've longed for boring for so long. I stayed up too late watching dvds on Friday. I watched the Duchess with Keira Knightley and it did not have a happy ending. In a nutshell it was about her excrutiating decisions between responsibility and love. In the movie responsibility won out over emotions and I bawled and bawled ....maybe it was hitting too close to home.
Saturday I slept in and when I woke up I felt the anxiety creeping up and I immediately gave up and prayed and said, "God, I can't do this today... not without you.....I don't have it in me to deal with this. Can you please give me peace and wisdom?" And that's basically how the whole day went....I wasn't overly productive in my housework but I had peace. I turned all my worries over to the only one who has any power over them.... then came the peace. What a sweet gift.
I know, it sounds overly simple. I just hope I remember this when the next storm of anxiety comes.

Appt with lawyer

2009-02-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

Went to see a lawyer today to discuss completing the divorce that I started in May 06 but never saw through. Mother's Day 2006 is when I came face to face with the fact that my husband was using drugs. On Mother's Day he came home following a six-day absence at which time he pawned the title to my car for $500 and spent that money and came home empty-handed and violent. I filed for divorce but didn't finish it. The two years following the filing of this paperwork was spent doing the downward spiral dance, where he makes promises and I let him move back in based on the promises. He breaks the promises and I kick him out again. Then he goes out and uses again and again and again realizes the errors of his ways begged to come home. Makes me more promises, you know the dance.

Since so many things have changed since 2006, I wanted to know how all complicated and expensive completing the divorce would be should I choose to go through with it. The lawyer told me it would be both easy and inexpensive. I told him that I was having second thoughts about going through with it because I feel bad because I feel like I'm deserting Ted. I feel awful because I haven't notified the prison of my new address so that he could be released from prison, and for considering divorce while he is so sick.

But then sometimes I get mad because Ted was already in prison from 1994-2004...and I waited and believed in all those promises he made to me over those 10 years. I think I've done a fabulous job of standing by my man. If his life sucks it's not because I dropped the ball. I've spent myself trying to make his life not suck. If it were in my power... all our lives would be different. I just feel like I have nothing to offer him that's going to make a bit of difference...I have no magic bullet to offer him.....I've already tried it all.

The lawyer proceeded to tell me a personal story about his own childhood and high school years. He explained how because of his father's alcohol abuse, that he was not able to have a normal childhood and worry about normal kid things. And his mother was not able to have a normal life either.... which brought my own two boys to mind, especially Ryan. He especially has so much anger for Ted.

Though my feelings are conflicted, it brings me great pain and anxiety to think about ever getting back on the carnival ride that has been our life. Though my feelings are conflicted I am encouraged, by what I see as great personal growth, because up until about a year ago there wasn't anything that Ted could do that could keep me away from him, no matter what the cost. It was insane. And now it's just the opposite. But the pain and anxiety that used to come from fear of losing him, now comes from the thought of having him and life as it was before. And now my feelings are conflicted not because I'm scared of losing Ted but rather out of compassion for Ted because I feel bad for him and I could make it better for him that doing that might destroy the rest of us. I feel so horrible because I know how much this will hurt him.

I have to admit that there is considerable anxiety when I think about telling him these things in person or over the phone. You'd think with all the years of fighting that I would have overcome my fear of conflict, huh?

How ? this is lonnnng.......

2009-02-25T12:28:00.001-08:00

I went to lunch the other day with my friends Janice and Sandie. Janice asked me what I was doing for fun.....she was expecting me to say something like, 'bowling' but I told her that I've been fascinated and have been researching a well-known serial killer. Let's see now if I can explain my fascination without sounding crazy.....this particular s.k. was loved, adored, and even envied by some and certainly never suspected.....that was the face he showed the real world. But his sick side was the very most opposite of the public face...his sick side was extremely heinous. How could this one person have such completely opposite sides. He did not have MPD and was not insane. He was mentally ill of course but knew the diff between right and wrong. Many important people stood by him and defended for years after his arrests and refused to believe the horrible accusations. Unlike other s.k.'s he was able to so completely keep his two sides separate. How is a human mind capable of doing that so well?

My interest though, has been in his girlfriend. This man had many, many women and was never faithful...but he had one steady girlfriend for 10 years who never doubted him until the later years. How does this happen??? She knew him better than anyone, but did she know him....the real him....who was the real him? What was the turning point for her before she was able to break free from the bond she had with him. I ask because I feel I can relate to this woman. The police in the small town where we lived for 10 years before our recent move to Pullman, know me well... they knew me for years before Ted came home from prison the first time. They, as well as others, have watched the downward turn of our lives over the past 4 years since he has been home. Following different times he's been arrested they have chatted with me and tried to 'talk sense into me'. This last time he was arrested was more of a bizarre event. I got a long call from a man who has been a dear family friend for years and years and recently joined the local police department. He told me of some of Ted's bizarre behaviour while he was sitting in the county jail. I told him, "Perry, I love the man, but I just wonder if I know him" and he assured me that it's obvious I love him....but when I ask if I know him.... I probably don't really. Then Officer Wr. came to see me at my office regarding some other business and tried to offer advice. He is under the impression (because of his violent actions with the police) that the reason I'm still with Ted is that he has me under his thumb because I'm scared of him. I told him that's not why..... I watched him almost vomit when I told him it's because of how sweet he treats me and how he really showers me and I have a hard time not eating it up....that's what's hard to let go of.

But I can relate to the s.k's girlfriend in that during this last period that he was back in the house Ted had two very strikingly different sides. The side he was showing me made me breakfast every morning, cried because he loved me so much, kept the house, the yard, and car clean. He adored every little thing I did and practically gushed every time I walked in the room. The other side of him was lying to me about his whereabouts, sneaking out for drinks when I was at work or asleep, was taking things from our house and sneaking them to the pawn shop, stealing from our neighbors, he even stole in broad daylight from one of my best friends and then stopped by her house the next day just to chit chat and share some laughs. There's much more but you get the picture.

How does a person do that? And how does a wife wrap her brain around it....sort it out and act? How stupid am I????? Reading the girlfriend of s.k's story has been therapeutic. It's okay.....people much smarter than me were fooled and felt torn. It's okay, I can hang on to some dignity.

Fun

2009-02-23T17:26:00.001-08:00

I have gotten to have some fun the past few days. We had a slumber party with Donna and Becca on Friday night and on Saturday we chilled around the house and worked on projects before she had to take off for 33 days. Then I drove up to Spokane to go to a Blondie concert at the casino where my Mom works. It was so fun! Sunday was church and bible study and then Ryan and I had chinese for dinner and ate until we were miserable and then took a nap.

It was a great weekend. Today was not so awesome.

Check Out New Blogger

2009-02-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

http://donnarises.blogspot.com/

2009-02-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

This is why I should be quiet.

Maybe tomorrow will be boring

2009-02-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

For the past several days I have been wakened early with excruiating anxiety. 4:30 a.m. feel like puking, can't go back to sleep, don't want to get out of bed. Deep breathing.....lots of prayer...lots of requests for mercy and strength.
On my mind...

...Ryan...please stop...just stop!!!

...Ted... I feel guilty for missing him in light of all the destruction he has caused the boys and I.
he is due to come home....I'm supposed to call his probation officer and let them know that I have a new address for him to come home to....just don't know if that wouldn't be the worst mistake of my life. So much guilt because I haven't done it yet and he is sick and I don't want him to die alone....but I don't want him to be the death of the boys and I... he has really caused all of us so much pain. He has burned every bridge and we're all he has left.
he is all-consuming...guilt, guilt, guilt...Ryan says he hates him...Dustin says the same but he also understands where I'm coming from in not wanting him to die alone.

...Dustin....he's doing good, but has no safety plan for when he gets out. He has plans for everything but his sobriety. The other night he told me that the reason he got in trouble the first time with the law for trespassing on school grounds a few years ago was because he had to leave home to smoke pot and found a place in the Ag building at school...and it might've been different for him if he was allowed to smoke it at home and didn't need to go anywhere.
I asked him to be thinking of a plan...ie...meetings, outpt counseling, getting a sponsor, who his supportive friends are going to be.

Today was my first day back to work and I was so behind. Piles and piles waiting for me. I got my coffee, my mcmuffin, threw my hair up into a big ugly bun on top of my head and was ready to get busy and plow through my piles like the wind.... when the receptionist brought a man to my office. It was Dustin's dad. I didn't recognize him...it always takes me a double take everytime I see him because he was only 19 y.o. when we were married and I'm always surprised to see this grown up man. This is about the 4th time now that he's popped in and surprised me. I was stunned and speechless as always as I thought - "What is he doing here?" He plopped down in the spare chair and had no particular reason for being there except to chit chat with me. He was just passing through town on his way to a job in Walla Walla. The first time he popped in he asked me to not say anything to his girlfriend if it ever should come up. My coworker said he gave me a real good look up and down before he left. Oh, brother....I don't have the energy for this.

Don't hover, don't hover, don't hover

2009-02-10T13:45:00.001-08:00

My youngest had a run-in with a teacher on Friday. A teacher told him to pick up something he broke and discarded and he told the teacher, "f-you" which landed him in the office. Which he then took off from and was no where to be found until he showed up at home afterschool and said, "hi, madre" like everything's normal.

So, yesterday we meet with the Principal and instead of getting suspended for 10 days the principal made Ryan a deal. He was afraid that if he missed too much school that he would be too far behind when he returned which might make him want to skip again. The deal is simply that Ryan does all the homework that he is being sent home with and bring it back to the principal on Thursday a.m. and he can come back to school.

I'm doing deep-breathing because he hasn't bothered to look at it since it was given to him.

I want to march in his room and tell him that he does nothing else until he gets it done. But he will dig his heels in and not do it or just do a crappy job that probably won't get counted. He knows what's at stake….. I need to let him do it on his own. Breathe in…hold……breathe out…..breathe in….. Repeat. What I used to do didn't work.

Today he had a two-hour drug eval that was part of the deal the school made with him when he was busted in the softball dugout lighting up a loaded pipe the Friday before. At school he agreed to participate. When we were there he wanted no part of it and almost walked out stating that he'll just take the full 10-day suspension from the school …….and when we got in the car following the appt he said that whole thing just made him angrier. I gently reminded him that it was a price he paid for what he did and then nonchalantly changed the subject to lunchtime.

Please, my son!!! Stop digging a deeper hole!!!!

Break from the fire story- Dustin

2009-02-09T19:34:00.001-08:00

Dustin's counselor called today to clear up some details to plan for his release April 3. He will be under both Juvenile supervision and DOC supervision. I don't know what that means. His counselor is a very nice man and says I can call any time …even if it's just to b.s.

I told his counselor that I'm very proud of Dustin for really making the most of his everyday. He is doing absolutely everything he possibly can to stay busy and be productive. He will have his high school diploma in hand when he gets home. He is really taking advantage of every opportunity offered to him to better his life.

I'm so excited for him to come and see our new home. This is the first time in many years that he and his brother will have their own rooms. It means much less refereeing for me.

He is planning on getting his driver's license right away and getting enrolled in the community college here and getting a job.

I hope he's still factoring in time for meetings and such. He sounds like he is doing so good. We always have so much to talk about when he calls. It seems we always have our best communication when he's incarcerated. I hope we still stay close when he's out.

He tells me that he's gotten really, really big from working out. I was going to buy him some clothes before he gets home, but I think I better wait.

He gave up on the idea of having dread locks. He also tells me that he has a couple new tattoos. One of them is not finished because they got busted before they finished it.

The Day of the Fire Part II (Dec 10)

2009-02-07T21:38:00.001-08:00

My mind raced as I heard my own voice report the fire and my address to the dispatcher who answered my 911 call. My own voice sounded like background noise to me as I fought the panic that wanted to take over. What do I take? Can I do anything to stop the flames? Ryan and Donna went out the back door. My dog, Josie stood in the doorway waiting for me to follow her out. Donna was screaming for me to get out. Did Lucy get out (Dustin's cat)? My thoughts were interrupted by the voice on the other end of the phone asking me to tell her everyone was out and telling me to get out. I complied and joined Ryan and Donna in the yard. The phone, still up to my ear, went dead. Donna was saying something to Ryan and Ryan was crying and yelling, "I love my Mom and I want to be good!" I asked Donna for her cellphone and asked her to dial 911 again for me. I begged the dispatcher to tell them (the firefighters) to huuurrry! She said they were on their way. I remember she kept talking, asking me questions which, frankly at the moment were irritating. I don't remembering ending the call….I may have passed the phone to Donna.

From the outside looking in, I could see the flames had not started down the hallway yet and so...I ran back into the house.

I ran into my room and tried to decide what I needed to save. I grabbed my purse and let my eyes scan over all my belongings. I didn't have much but what I had held meaning for me. Black smoke came rolling in and I starting coughing uncontrollably. I really wanted to grab everything.

I heard Donna screaming at me and I remembered her words about how fast these fires go and thought that I probably wasn't thinking straight and I should probably just listen to her. I took one last look around and grief swept over me.

Tall flames were right at my shoulder as I went out the back door and joined Ryan and Donna again.

I stood there in my socks, in the middle of December watching flames consume the remainder of my home. I just couldn't believe it. I could barely hear anything Donna was saying. Ryan was silent. The windows started popping and the items burning items inside were making loud noises. I felt so angry and helpless watching this and wanted to scream! We moved out to the front when the windows started breaking. My dog was too scared to cross the smoke-filled yard to follow us and opted to run off somewhere else.

At the front of the house my neighbor was there with his own cellphone talking to 911 dispatchers. The rest of the neighbors joined us shortly after. I was glad the neighbor lady on the other side of me was not home. She never liked us. It didn't matter how much I went out of my way to be friendly. I have to think it had something to do with Ted. He had gotten to know a lot of the neighbors during the spring before he got arrested. At that time he had started drinking during the day while I was at work and was gearing up to start using crack again and had already stolen from good friends of mine and was bringing home odd things that mystery people had 'given' him. Meanwhile things that belonged to us were disappearing because he was taking them to the pawn shop. The local pawn shops stopped accepting things from him. I have to wonder if he did this lady wrong and that's why she didn't want anything to do with us. Either that or Ted was laying the groundwork for a 'disappearance'. Whenever he would gear up for a binge he used to bad mouth me to other people so he wouldn't look so bad for taking off. I could go on and on, but I won't.

Anyway…..It seemed liked it was a long time before I heard any sirens. For a while it looked like the fire was spreading to the giant tree in my front yard and I was so afraid it would then spread to the neighbors' house. But it didn't. Then I heard sirens for a really long time before I saw anyone in uniform. I kept thinking about all the times the police had been to my house and now they couldn't find it. How ironic. As it happened the Zags (Gonzaga University - Spokane, WA) were playing the Cougs (Washington State University - Pullman, WA) that night and you can see my house plainly from the one main highway that goes north out of town. The game had just gotten out and the highway was lit up from one end to the other with headlights.

Finally, I saw a policeman crossing over a field to get to my house. He was jumping over tall weeds, holding a flashlight. He assessed our safety and asked us to steer clear of the house. He told me to move my car away from the house. I gave the keys to Donna and she moved it down the block.

Since I was starting to get hysterical the policeman told me I had to get out of there. He waved his arm in an exaggerated great big swipe in the air to illustrate that he meant far, far away.

As we were driving off I looked at Ryan in the back seat and he was sobbing. So, I pulled over and made him get out of the car and hugged him and sobbed with him. I told him I love him and we'll get through this.

We hopped in the car and drove directly to the landlord's house. She was not home. Then we went back and parked down the street and borrowed Donna's phone called her cell phone. Struggling with an avoidant personality all my life…. (I am overcoming) I felt really sick as the phone rang. She answered and was happy to hear my voice. Then, I told her that her trailer was on fire. She told me to calm down and asked if I had insurance. I told her, 'no'. Then she said, "SH--!!!" She told me to calm down again and then I don't remember much else from that conversation.

Then I called my boss and told her my house was on fire and I wouldn't be coming to work tomorrow or the next day. I was babbling about not having anything to wear and only having one pair of underwear. Then I called my Mom and told her that I didn't have time to talk but needed prayer because my house was on fire.

Then I wanted to find my dog and kitty so we went back to the trailer. We were only allowed to get so close to the fire. As I approached the yellow tape, an officer met me and informed me about not getting any closer and asked if I was the person that lived there. I don't normally lip off to officers but I was not feeling myself….I said, "Can't you tell by the sobbing and the bare feet in December?!"

So then commenced the running around looking for my animals. In the middle of that a guy named Jon let me use his bathroom, hugged me, and let me borrow his sandals and told me a very lengthy story about how he used to be a dispatcher…..when I finallly made it out of his house Donna's mother, Suze, was there with her favorite WSU jacket to lend me with a quilt throw, and slippers. I gave Jon back his sandals and Suze handed me the phone and a very polite man told me he was from the Red Cross and wondered when it would be convenient to meet with him the next day. I told him I really didn't have any plans for the next day so we made it for 10am. Then Suze told me that she knows one of my neighbors and she is taking my dog to spend the night at WSU Vet Dept. Still, Dustin's kitty was missing. I was sick about that. I don't want anything to happen to her while he is gone. She's such a sweet kitty and we've had her so long. Our longest pet ever.

Then the fireman investigating the fire wanted to talk to us and we each took turns sitting in his truck giving our recorded testimonies of the nights happenings. My landlord was there and she gave me a hug and took her turn after us giving a recorded statement. When she got out of the truck she looked bothered and gave me another hug and told me to just worry about taking care of me and the boys. She even offered me her extra bedroom for us to spend the night.

The investigator explained that since the trailer was so old it had aluminum wiring in it and something about because of it the circuits get overloaded and the wires get warm and then cool off and then get warm again and then the contacts at the outlets became loose and caused a short circuit…yada yada…and a bunch of greek.

Ryan said he did not want to be there and asked if he could go to his friend's house and I let him after some more hugging and crying.

My Mom and Gary called and said they were on their way down from Spokane. I drove Donna home and we sat in her driveway for a long time saying good-bye. It would be two months before she'd be home from finishing her sentence and we'd be able to chat again.

I met Mom and Gary at the motel and we ordered pizza turned the t.v. on and talked and cried. I called my taxi cab boss and told him I wasn't coming to work.

My whole body ached and I felt so incredibly dirty. It was 1:30 a.m. and I was still shaking. I cried myself to sleep. Well for about 3 hours of sleep. Then I had to get up and go back to the trailer and see if I could find Dustin's kitty.

……..to be continued…..

The Day of the Fire

2009-02-06T23:05:00.001-08:00

December 10, 2008 Part I

I left work early for a doctor's appt. I made the appt because for the past few months I have really, really struggled a couple of days before my cycles started. For a couple days before each cycle, I would go into a very dangerous downward spiral. I was always fine after those two days….but those days were a really scary place for me to be. As it happened the appt fell on those bad two days of the month. I was sent home with some medication to help me.
After the appt Ryan and I met with the Vice Principal at the high school, Mr Thompson, because Ryan skipped all day. He stayed at school…but did not attend any of his classes. Towards the end of the day Mr. Thompson caught up with Ryan and asked him to come to the office. Ryan said, "No". When Mr. Thompson grabbed his sleeve Ryan told him to F---- Off.
The meeting was tense. When asked if Ryan understood that he was in danger of going to jail for not going to class because of the truancy order, Ryan said he didn't care. Ryan smirked most of the time. It was apparent we were getting no where with him so Mr. Thompson asked him to wait in the waiting room while he spoke with me. Ryan stood up, smirking and shaking his head and said, "I'll wait in the car".
In a nutshell, after Ryan left, Mr. Thompson expressed the problem of dealing with a kid that doesn't care. He urged me to file a "Youth At Risk Petition" against him. I told him that I would speak with Sheri, Ryan's Truant Officer about it.

I joined Ryan and we had a big blow up in the car on our way down the street to pick up my friend, Donna. I was tempted to tell Donna that I was too tired to take her shopping. I was so very drained and down that I knew being around Donna's bubbly personality was probably the best medicine for me. So when I picked her up I explained and asked her if she still wanted to hang out if she didn't mind if I was somewhat of a dud. Ryan was also extremely tired and wanted to take a nap while Donna and I went grocery shopping.

So we went and came back. Ryan had been too cold to nap while we were gone. I had been having problems with the furnace and had an electrician come twice to try and get it running. The electrician told me that the furnace was simply too old and would need to be replaced. I had no idea how I was going to come up with the money for that. Lately, it seemed like there were so many things wrong with the trailer. I was overwhelmed at idea of what it would cost to get it where I wanted it. And it had been so cold in that trailer. At that time it was only getting down to 40F overnights. I wondered what I was going to do when the cold weather really kicked in.
Donna was very worried because most of the outlets in the front room and kitchen didn't work and she was leaving the next morning to turn herself in to finish the last two months of her sentence. She was so worried about my place catching fire and kept warning me (that very night) about how fast trailers burn once they start.
Donna and I took my laptop to my room and I helped her set up an email account and showed her how to blog and all the useful tools on the internet. While we were doing that, Ryan was making himself sandwiches with all the goodies we brought home from the store. He kept coming back and joining us, taking a place in front of the spaceheater. Then he went to his room to hang posters up.
As we sat in my room I kept thinking that my eyes were burning , like when you stand too close to a bonfire. I have no sense of smell. I don't know why. I don't ever remember being able to smell. After a while, Ryan said, "What stinks? Are you cooking, Mom?" Which is NOT funny….I'm an excellent cook - just ask me :) But, he's 15. Finally, he said, "I'm going to go see what stinks." In hindsight I found that odd, because Ryan has an excellent sense of smell, but did not identify the stink as smoke.
He came back and said, "Our house is on fire." He didn't sound overly alarmed, so I questioned, "What do you mean? What's on fire? The curtains, the couch, what?". He said, "The whole house!" Donna had taken a look and screamed, "He's right, it's the whole house!" Then I peeked down the hall and saw the whole front room on fire and it was quickly moving into the kitchen. My heart felt like it skyrocketed up into my throat and I scrambled for the phone to dial 911, remembering Donna's words about how quick trailers go.
….to be continued….

February

2009-02-06T21:30:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Dear Ted,

I'm so sorry about your Mom.
When Jackie called me at work yesterday and told me that Jennie wasn't doing good..... I left work and picked Ryan up and drove up to Jennie's house. Jackie told Jennie to hang on and wait for us to get there.. And she did, she waited and didn't go anywhere until we were there.
When we arrived Jennie was in the hospital bed in her livingroom and had her eyes closed and had long, slow breathing. Robin was standing next to her bedside and Jackie was making phone calls making final arrangements and crying in between.
Colleen and her daughter walked in a few minutes later. Linda and Rick were not there because they had all been by on Friday to say good-bye to her.
Jennie looked good. Her complexion looked nice.... and she was warm! You know how she was always complaining because she was cold all the time. Her skin was nice and warm and full of color. I was happy she was warm. The girls painted her nails and she looked good.
I kissed her over and over, held her hand, rubbed her forehead, cheeks and chest.... and just told her over and over how much we love her and how special she is to us.
Ryan told her, "Grandma, I'm here and I love you." He sat in a chair by her bed and stayed there the whole time while she was still with us.
I would leave her now and then to check with Jackie about what she needed help with and to offer hugs to her, Colleen, and Olivia.
I would go back and love on Jennie some more and talk to her. I talked to her about the Lord and told her to go to Him, that He loves her so very much and there isn't anything she could've ever done that would make Him stop loving her.
I told her over and over how precious she is to all of us and how much we love her.
Then Robin and I noticed her time was getting close and called Jackie and Colleen over.
We all gathered around her bed and held her hands and hugged her and kissed her and then she slipped away. She left very gently, like a whisper....without pain and without struggle. Just very softly, she slipped out.
This is so hard...I can't stop crying. I wanted you to know how it went. Her last moments were spent enveloped in love... lots of kisses, hugs, and laughing.. No arguing or strife (until after)

She wouldn't go until she could hear your voice. Ethan said they were worried they might have to get someone to call and mimic your voice for her. Then she waited for me and Ryan to get there. I let her know "Jennie, the babies are fine, we're all doing good, and we have food." ....because that's what she would always ask me when she called. I also told her that I wished she didn't have to leave me here with all these crazy people....because she was my favorite crazy person. She loved being the "crazy grandma".

She didn't want a memorial or funeral. She is being cremated and Jackie will pick her up as soon as all 5 children have signed a paper. This topic was the beginning of a big horrendous fight between Colleen and Jackie that didn't end pretty....could've been worse.
Your Mom was not around for this and I am so glad. She knew nothing but peace in her final moments. Her final time was very precious and sweet.
Jackie is going to put an ad in the Seattle newspaper so her friends from over there might know.
I am going up to Jackie's on Saturday to sit with her and hopefully I can talk her into going through some pictures so I can send you some.
I love you, and again, I am so sorry.
Gail

Home is where the heart is....

2009-02-06T21:01:00.001-08:00

Ryan and I are all settled into our new home after our former home burned. Mom and Gary just brought us a new computer.

Our new home is beautiful. Such an upgrade from where we were.....although it will still take a while before all this nice, new strange stuff feels like ours.

House Burned

2008-12-15T09:35:00.001-08:00

Computer access is sparse. My house burned down on the 10th. Lost everything. Fresh start. Many, many blessings in disquise. Support from my workplace has been phenomenal! I told the girls at work that "oh, well, they probably were tired of seeing me wear the same thing to work everyday anyway" No one hurt....my dog and cat are fine.

Ryan tells me he is going to drop out when he is 16, become an emancipated minor and move into an apartment with his friend and work until he's 18 and then go to community college. We have court again this Thursday and he will probably have to spend Christmas break in jail for truancy.
The fire shook him up bad. He is being so sweet to me. I am still in shock and he is a good being a good babysitter for me.

I can hardly think straight. But there are so many little miracles happening that I will have to recap when I have some time.

Which Came First

2008-12-08T22:05:00.000-08:00

Last fall when he was actively using....

Ted was evaluated by a hospital psychiatrist one time when Ted was in the hospital following a binge. He was diagnosed with borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and borderline Anti-social disorder.

So, of course I got right to 'googling'

In a nutshell these disorders are described as...

NPD:
Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations.

Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the feelings and needs of others. People are tools.

ANTI-SOCIAL:

Typically have no regard for right and wrong. You may often violate the law and the rights of others, landing yourself in frequent trouble or conflict. You may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems. And you may not be able to fulfill responsibilities to your family, work or school.

I apologize if this sounds offensive, but..... When you think about, isn't that just addict behavior? How many active users do you know that don't sound just like that?

So, does he use because he's mentally ill? Or is he mentally ill because he uses? I have my suspicions since he's been locked up for six months and does not act like he has a firm grip on reality. I don't know... maybe I'm naive to think he's clean just because he's in prison....I don't know....

How much of this behavior is the man and how much of it is the drugs? And if it's the drugs....will it go away if he's clean. It's like rolling the dice..... and which came first, the chicken or the egg.

It's all tangled up.... and I am suffering a deficit of motivation to devote anymore to this relationship as it is..... yawn.........

Postponed

2008-12-08T22:01:00.001-08:00

After 4 yrs of rehabs, arrests, running away, me chasing him down, yada yada yada...Dustin and I are "tight" , as he says.
He's right. I've always loved my Son, but now we are really, really close. We talk and laugh so hard. The phone calls are so short. I really appreciate his perspective on what's going on with his brother.
It's been so many months since I've seen my boy. He just told me tonight that he was told that his new release date from juvenile prison is March 4. That'll be 11 months since he left.
He told me he is really grateful that that's all and he doesn't have to do his maximum of 18 months. I told him I was grateful too and waited until I hung up before I cried.

Detached Parent??

2008-12-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ryan got kicked out of the second half of his court ordered Life Skills class today. So that means he is in contempt of court. On the way home I started to talk to him about making bad choices and he started crying and saying he wasn't being onery and he was participating that they basically kicked him out because they don't like him. He's not a crier so the tears get to me...but I stayed tough and told him he wasn't allowed to go anywhere today. He was angry about that. He went to his room and about an hour later he came to me to ask to go out and I told him no. I hopped in the shower and heard him say "F. U." and then heard the door slam. So...that was about 6 hours ago.

I'm not sure what to do...... I am spent and tired of driving around hunting for my loved ones and forcing them to come home when they keep running away. So, I sit here, at home, alone. Apparently the only one who wants to be here.

I know Ted, Dustin's, and Ryan's behaviors are not against me personally.... I tell myself over and over and over and over.

So, what do I do? Drive around for hours looking for him, drag him home until the next time I tell him 'no'?

Should I call the police, whom I don't even have to give my address, they recognize my voice and just send someone over. I tried hard to keep him off their radar.

Ted and Dustin have worn me out. And now it seems Ryan is starting....he probably thinks it's his turn.... Sometimes I think I just don't have any fight left.

But I know it's just that I already know what doesn't work. So, I know what not to do....but what do I do?

For now I'm just making a nusance of myself and calling all his friends' cell phones.

Life Skills

2008-12-05T17:46:00.001-08:00

Since Ryan was found in contempt of court for skipping school after he was ordered to attend, he has to attend a Life Skills class that is 1 1/2 days. It is put on by WSU and it actually sounds like a good thing.
The Truant Officer called me to tell me she has received more reports of Ryan skipping and they have been UAing him since he was placed on truancy. His last UA was dirty for pot.
She said that he will be found in contempt again and may mean that he is placed on community supervison (probation). Which will mean they will step up the UAing maybe require him to do Outpt treatment - which I think is a joke in this town - he'll have a curfew and may have to do community service.
SIGH......
I wanna run away.

If

2008-12-04T19:45:00.001-08:00

If we knew what would happen from the cradle to the grave....what would be the point in living....

Unusually Frank Discussion

2008-12-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

Monday I had the pleasure of spending the day with a new friend.

We had a blast. She has been without a car and was overjoyed to have a day out of the house. I could hardly keep up with her as she zipped around in awe at all she saw. She was exhilerated. She was infectious....and I needed some of that!

It was great to have adult 'girl talk'. Our conversations were fast and all over the place. Just the drive was two hours and we spent about 3 hours shopping and then hung out at my house for another hour or so....and it still wasn't enough time.

One of the more interesting topics was about missing intimate male companionship. Her half of the conversation is not mine to share, but my half......

I admit I've been more than a little angry - I've been pissed! Because I spent 10 years of my youth waiting for Ted -faithfully. I stayed true to him. Then he got sick and was diagnosed with cirrhosis from hepatitis while he was in prison and came home almost uninterested in sex. If you can imagine my surprise at that when he got home.

Interest improved after some adjustments to his meds and Ted's creativity. However our 'private appointments' were few and far between....largely due to his week long absences while he was on drug binges. And now he's back in prison --- arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

When he got sick....I understood...and adjusted....afterall, the cuddling was wonderful and meaningful..... and he is creative....and that's what you do when you love someone and are committed to them... you adjust...love is more than sex.

But when he started his affair with crack I felf very abandoned and rejected....it became something else besides just him being sick. Now I was missing out what was left of our intimate life because he found his drugs more attractive.

During one phone call a few weeks ago I shed my usual reserve for this topic and I let him have it. He just happened to call when I was unusually stressed. I told him exactly just how frustrated and pissed off I am.

He assured me that he changed another one of his meds and he says his drive is almost 100% back. Now, I think he might be overstating himself.... it's just hard to adjust to the thought that it may never happen again.

Thank You

2008-12-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the encouraging comments. They mean a lot to me! I tried to comment back but I don't think it worked.

Ryan did come home after school. He did not offer any enlightening info about his whereabouts... which I expected. I feel like because of this incident we were able to have a meaningful, teachable moment. I don't think it was an act on Ryan's part. I remember as a teenager I would play the part of active participant when my Dad would have 'teachable moments' with me. Time will tell if an impact was made. All I can do is plant seeds.

I told him that I was giving him a choice. If he chooses to continue in this behavior than I have no other alternative but to put him on "Youth At Risk". Which is a petition to the court to order him to go buy house rules, curfew, etc. It he doesn't he can be arrested for contempt of court and can be ordered to spend the weekend in jail.

I know it sounds drastic, but he has been acting 'risky' for a couple years. Nothing else is working. I don't want to lose another Son. He is almost too big for me to manhandle into coercion now at 15. What's it going to be like in another year or two? I just DO NOT want to go through what I have with Ted and Dustin again.

That's one of the things that frustrates me also. He has watched as his older brother and Ted travel the downward spiral for the past 4 years with disdain. He looked down his nose at them as he watched them be "idiots", in his own words. He is also one of those personalities that was blessed with an abundance of common sense, logic, critical thinking skills, and insight. He is naturally a very black and white thinker. However, he really struggles with self esteem. He is 15, after all. Dr. Phil says that front part of the brain that is responsible for reasoning is the last thing to develop in adolescent boys... the hormones rule right now.

Since he has not been able to reach me by phone over the past few days, Ted is in a panic. The prison Chaplain called me at work to tell me Ted has been to visit the Mental Health professional and asked that the Chaplain call me because he is worried about me an wants to make sure nothing is wrong. Really, he wanted the Chaplain to say something that would make me accept Ted's calls because he is worried about his own security. I dread talking to him right now because I can sense how wound up he is and there is not enough assurance I can give him right now to get him to calm down. I feel like attempting to calm him down would put me in a position of being dishonest and saying things I am not 100% convinced of myself. Things like...."Yes, I want you to come home."

Thank God my baby is home safe. My bedroom is warm. I can get a good night's sleep. Start tomorrow fresh and maybe be extra productive to make up for the work I was deficient in today because of worry. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Holiday Weekend???

2008-12-02T13:36:00.001-08:00

This sure didn't feel like a holiday.....not a restful one anyway.

Weds, the night before Thanksgiving, my safe was stole.

Thursday we drove to Spokane and back in bad weather for dinner with my Mom.

Friday I waited all day as friends were supposed to stop by and see if they could get my furnace running. They ended up not being able to make it. My back started going out and progressively got worse and I can still hardly walk today.

Saturday the friends were not able to make it either. I did my best to clean house in a lot of pain.

Sunday a.m. the friends were able to stop by but were not able to help me get the furnace running.

Monday the electrician guy came and got it running, but said it's making a couple of bad noises it shouldn't and doesn't know how much life the furnace has left. Donna and I drove to Spokane for some running around. Ryan (15) called to tell me he was going to the store and he never came home. Interestingly he has been in school all day today.

Hopefully, he will come home tonight or I will have to report him as a runaway.

I have such guilt for all the chaos I let Ted bring into our home.

Today - first day back to work. A huge stack of work awaits. Monthly stats need to be done. I am math-challenged as it is and I have Ryan on my brain. This morning on the radio I caught the tail end of a report that someone elses safe was stolen.

Heartless?

2008-11-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

I just cannot bring myself to answer the phone for Ted as he trys to call me collect from prison.

I cannot muster up any gumption to deal with his heightened anxiety and his con games.

I do love him. I do. I just dread talking to him.

I know he is alone. I know he has a fatal disease and is scared.

I also know he is alone because he burned all his bridges.

I am alone - again - because of him - again. This is his second time in prison in the 18 years we've been together. Frankly, I'm enjoying the alone more than the time he's home.

As far as his health? - He is a dying man. I have done everything in my power to take care of him and he has done not much else but try to hastily destroy himself.... and not given a second thought to all the collateral damage he's caused.

I know he has shown very little concious much less acknowledge for the pain he has caused....emotionally, and financially to me, my kids, our friends, family, and community.

And now, as always, he is consumed with the preservation of his own skin.... I'm sure he's wondering what will he do if I'm not there for him? I'm sure he's called 17 times today only for reassurance that his post prison living arrangement is unthreatened and that I haven't found myself a new man.

His games are so transparent. In the past he found it pretty easy to manipulate me because my emotions were out of whack and he could pretty much push my buttons as he willed.

I am sad for him and know he needs help, but my interest in helping him is almost nonexistent...and I know helping him would be a long and uphill battle that may take the rest of his life - be it 1year or 20.

I know that until he wants and gets help he will continue to pull from his usual bag of tricks to get what he "needs" because that's all he's got.

I just can't answer the phone. Every conversation is a con game and I don't have it in me to participate.

Today's Gratitude

2008-11-29T21:04:00.001-08:00

Today I'm grateful that it's not snowing!!!! Since it snowed into the middle of June last year.

I'm grateful my 15 y.o. let me cuddle with him today while we watched "Elf". I'm not a big Will Ferrell fan, but I am a HUGE fan of cuddling!

I'm grateful for the bit of chocolate I had today.

I'm grateful for friends and family.

I'm grateful that I'm still kind of full from Thursday. We are blessed to live in the land of plenty.

Most of all .... really.....today I am beyond grateful for the total lack of any drama today..... how sweet.

I love the quote that says, "Sometime He calms the storm ...and sometimes He calms his child" ... He does indeed do that....but today I am really glad for the absence of storms.

Catch Up

2008-11-28T21:23:00.001-08:00

I'm noticing that it's been over a month since I've blogged regularly. I am wondering if I should retitle this blog.

I feel like so much has happened ....yet really not much. It's just so much....but just so much of the same stuff.

My sweet, oldest son, Dustin, was told that he may not be released from Juvenile prison until January due to his being in possession of Adderall while he was in group home. He was two days from being 18 when he left and will be almost 19 when he returns. I miss my baby.

He will most likely not get to spend Christmas at home. While spending Thanksgiving at my Mom's, I called him and at the sound of his voice over the phone, my Mom just busted out in tears.

My sweet, youngest son, Ryan, has improved in his school attendance. However, that's not saying much, since prior to our last two trips to truancy court he had only attended 8 full days of school. But we celebrate every victory! They sentenced him to attend a day and a half life skills class that is given by the university.

It's so hard to watch him participate in self-sabotaging behavior. He was as upset as I was when we discovered someone stole my safe. He knows how precious the contents were to me.

And Ted, sigh.... just more of the same. He is due to be released at the end of January.

He has been in and out of the prison hospital depending on whether or not he feels like he is getting what he needs from me. If he is content with how he perceives the security of our relationship then he is healthy and strong. If he's not content with his perception of our relationship then he refuses his medications (he tells me because he thinks he's lost me) and gets sick and writes me that he is on death's door.

More guilt.... Yes, he has end-stage liver disease and unless he gets a liver transplant, his time is short....but, really only God knows his time. I just have chosen to not be uncompassionate but know that his refusing medical care is his choice and his dying on purpose is not my choice. I told him I will not let him use his illness to pull my strings anymore.

He sent me a letter last week. It was the first 'normal' one I've gotten from him. Just chit chat....no asking me for favors, badmouthing me for not helping him more, not badmouthing anyone else, no rantings driven from his extreme anxiety. He has been trying to call several times over the past couple of days.

I legitemately have missed them. Although, I'm not looking forward to talking to him. The conversations are so draining, very taxing....and sometimes just bizarre. It's been a long time since we've had a simple chit chatty phone call.

I've been thinking of the slogan, "One Day at a Time". I have been advised many times during the past 5 months in which Ted has been in prison to just live by that slogan. Admittedly, my resolve to do so has waffled many, many times due to occasional small bouts of fear, large bouts of guilt and feelings of failure which leads me to the downward spiral of serious depression.

When the depression hits it can be sooooo consuming. I do my best to not let my 15 y.o. have to notice my state. Being 15 is so hard on any day of the week and he has been through so very, very much already between his brother and his father. I've come to realize that, being female, some of my symptoms are due to extreme hormonal imbalance. I am taking responsibility and will be seeing a doctor next week, in addition to taking my vitamins and exercising and praying a lot. After praying..... I am reminded that the best weapon against these bouts of depression is GRATITUDE. I have read so many blogs where people keep gratitude journals. I have decided that this would be a wise thing for me to do. I really do have so much to be thankful for.

On the other hand....in some aspects I have taken the slogan to the extreme. I have enjoyed not having to cope with the whole "life with Ted" package. It is late and so will have to expound on that in another blog. See, I think I'm doing it again....in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about it tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day!" :)

How Heartbreaking

2008-11-28T20:14:00.001-08:00

I just tuned into a show and the topic is a news story about Nebraska.... parents are dropping off their children at hospitals. 31 have been dropped off on the 'doorstep'....18 of them have been between the ages of 14-17 years old.
My heart breaks for these teenagers. The rejection and abandonment they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives... no matter what they are doing. Where is the love, the humanity, the responsibility, the committment to the people you love? These are PEOPLE not puppies.
I need to find another home for my dog. I got her from the pound and they WILL NOT allow me to give her back....even though I signed an agreement that that's exactly I would do if it didn't work out with her. It sounds like it's harder to get rid of my dog than it is for these adults to abandon their children.
How can you develop a relationship with someone for 14-17 years and then just discard them?
Maybe I am missing a huge piece of the story.....but I cannot fathom what I am hearing!

what to make of this?

2008-11-28T19:21:00.001-08:00

My personal safe was stolen on Wednesday while I was at work and Ryan was out.

I am so heartbroken because my "God ring" was in there. Also a very precious letter that my Dustin wrote me.

I also had blank checks and $300 I saved from driving cab that I was going to lay down on bills or heating fuel. I also had a bottle of Tylenol with codeine from when I had surgery and Dustin and Ryan's birth certificates and my marriage license in it. But, I'm most upset about the ring and the letter.

Nothing else in my house was disturbed or taken.

The police officer that came to the house for my report said it's unlikely that I'll get it back unless I can offer more clues.

I've cried almost nonstop since that night.

I've notified the pawn shops and the local Safeway and Walmart (about my checks). My bank has been closed and won't be open again until Monday == that will be 5 days since the theft.

oct 26

2008-10-26T22:36:00.001-07:00

Today is Ryan's birthday. He is officially 15 y.o. We went to Spokane and stopped at my Mom's house for cake and then we all went to the mall for birthday shopping. Becca and her Mom begged off on the trip like I knew they would. My poor Mom was so excited but it was kind of tense because my Sister did not want to spend any time in her presence
Mom gave me a wad of money and wanted me to buy something but I just wanted to sock it away for our heat.
Ryan is never talkative enough for her and I am still wiped out from working late on Saturday.
Ted called 3 times at 830. We weren't home. I wonder if he remembered Ryan's birthday or if he's calling because he figures i got his letter about how he's going to just roll over and die. He said he's refusing medical attention. I know he's afraid of dying and wouldn't seriously do it on purpose. He's just hoping I get panicky.

Sat Oct 25, 2008

2008-10-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

Drove cab last night. I planned on working late because the money was supposed to be good. It was a frustrating night. I drove to Moscow to pick up a group only to have them change their mind when I couldn't take them through the drive through at Taco Time. So, I had to drive clear back to Pullman to help the other drivers who were driving like crazy to keep up with all the calls. Then the women's crisis transportation center had two cars break down so all the calls they were getting for rides were being directed to us. This means that we had to give all the women who called them free rides as a community service. So, I had to give two free rides. Then with all the other calls that normallly come in on a Friday night were stacking up. I was given 5 calls that I drove to and when I got there the pick ups changed their minds or got other rides.

So, all this extra driving around was costing me a lot of gas. I also had issues with large groups (15 or 20 people) calling for rides and then having to wait 15 or 20 minutes for all of them to get into the cab....which tied up my vehicle for any more pick ups.

So, by the time the night was over and I paid for gas, I got to take home $22.00 and was home by 4am. I didn't sleep well, I was up all night/morning because my dog was being "squirlly" and ended up crating her so I could sleep.

I was very discouraged and it's taken me all day to feel normal. I've got to find something else that will allow me flexibility so I can be available for Ryan.

I am still praying about a way to start the online travel store that I've been talking to my friend Joanna about. She quit her job at the hospital to start this business and has done so well, she hasn't had to work outside the home for over a year or two. She and her husband are doing so well that her husband is planning on retiring from nursing in two years or less. I am praying that if it's God's will He will provide the start up costs.

I'm feeling strongly that He really doesn't want me running around in anxiety, trying to fix everything....that I need to trust Him more .... but it is hard when I'm looking at the numbers and not knowing how it'll work out unless I do something!

Being so tired really makes me so emotional. Ryan came home at 9am. We were planning on going up to Spokane either today or tomorrow, so he came home in case we were leaving soon. I had just had a horrible dream when he came into my room. He said, "Mom, your mascara is all over your face and there's some on your pillow too" I told him, "I know I was dreaming and it was an awful dream and I was crying really hard" He said, "In your sleep?"

The dream was awful. I remember being really scared for my life. Someone was going to kill me and my family and friends. .... to make this short I will cut to the end. I shot Ted while he was sleeping in our bed all covered up. He was dying but not right away and we got to talk and I put my head on his chest and was just sobbing and telling him how sorry I was and he kept comforting me and telling me not to cry, that it was okay, that he was dying anyway.

I just kept sobbing and telling him not to die and screaming for someone to help but no one was helping because nothing could be done..... and he slipped away and was gone. He was gone and I wanted to see his face so bad but I couldn't see it anymore.... he was gone. I was still sobbing when Ryan came in and woke me up.

To School with Ryan

2008-10-24T15:55:00.001-07:00

Thurs Oct 23, 2008
Ryan again skipped two more classes yesterday. I have threatened him many times that if he didn't go to school that I would go to school with him and follow him around to make sure he got to all his classes.
So, I took the day off and took Ryan to school and shortly the Vice Principal walked me into Metal Shop and I sat and watched Ryan from a distance. About 40 minutes into class (he must not have noticed me until then) he approached me and he was shaking and had angry tears welling up. He asked what I was doing there and told me that if I was going to be in school then he wasn't going to stay there. So, I put on my best tough mom voice, doing my best to hide the panic I was feeling and I told him, "You get back to work, you're not going anywhere. I'm going to talk to Mr. Thornton." So, he complied and after I was finished being lost in all the meandering hallways, I found Mr. Thornton's office. After discussing the situation with him we decided that it was a good thing that my presence made an impact on Ryan. We decided to bring Ryan in the office and tell him that I would agree to go home for as long as he decided to remain in school. Ryan joined us and agreed. He did - he stayed in school all day and the following day.
While we were in Mr. Thornton's office Ryan expressed, when asked, that he didn't think there would be any consequences for him not attending school and the judge wasn't going to do anything to make him go.
Our hearing is on Nov 6 at 11:00am.
So, I went to work.

Writing my book?

2008-10-24T14:00:00.001-07:00

Dustin wrote me and told me that I should write a book about my life and just let the money "roll in". My first thought was how sweet Dustin is....most kids don't acknowledge their parents even have a life, much less that it is one that anyone would want to read about. Which is also my thought. Why would anyone want to read my book? Who would be my audience? I so have no answers for anyone..... so, that couldn't be the angle of my book.

I have been told this before. Where would my starting point be? Would there be a topic or just some sort of autobiography? My biggest problem is how would I end it. Most books have a definate ending.....with some sort of lesson or resolution to a problem. It just sounds so daunting.

Oct 24

2008-10-24T13:33:00.001-07:00

I stayed up too late last night earning $12.54 total for driving cab. I had to work late enough to pay for my gas. So, I overslept this morning and had about 20 minutes to get ready for work today. Ryan's alarm went off but he stayed in bed waiting for me to wake him up.... so we both had a hectic morning. I had my hair up, letting the extra dose of moisturizer sink into my face when I turned on the news just as breaking news interrupted regular programming. They were announcing that the Dow was taking another historical plunge. Theyare now saying that we are in a Global recession.

So, this occupied my thoughts on the 30 min drive to work. I pondered the rolling wheat hills as I thought about these being our end times and how when Jesus comes back it will be sudden and these hills will be leveled. I looked at the sky. It was beautiful, just after sunrise.

When I got to work I pulled up the Dow Jones ticker and checked it periodically through the day. Sometimes I would get anxious as I watched the numbers drop and then excited when they went back up. Up and down... anxious and excited/relieved... this is how it went all day.

Then I started thinking about Ryan and my concern about his lack of school attnedence. As I logged onto the High School website to check if he was in school today, it occurred to me I was feeling just like I did when I was checking the Dow Jones ticker. My heart raced as I enterd my username and password. It showed that he went to all his classes. However, he did confess that he did not dress down for P.E. I wonder why he has such an issue with that.

So, my day was spent with my mind whirring about "what should we be worrying about, time being so short, how to go about doing what needs to be done, and about how impossible my situation seems, but mostly about my boys and raising them without screwing them up and concerns about where their hearts are."

Thoughts on Stress

2008-09-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

EINSTEIN SAID..... IF YOU PRACTICE ANYTHING FOR 15 MIN A DAY....IN A YEAR YOU'LL BE AN EXPERT.... POOR EINSTEIN ...THE WEIGHT OF WORDS.... I WONDER IF HE REALIZED HE WOULD BE QUOTED SO MUCH AND IF HE MEANT ANYGTHING GLIBLY IN PASSING AND SOMEONE WAS ALWAYS RIGHT THERE TO WRITE IT DOWN AND SHARE WITH FUTURE GENERATIONS..... NOW THAT SOUNDS STRESSFUL ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID THAT PEOPLE ARE ABOUT AS HAPPY AS THEY MAKE THEIR MIND UP TO BE. don't put your happiness on someone elses shoulders

WHATEVER IS LOVELY, NOBLE....THINK ON THESE THINGS....

Stress

2008-09-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

I watched a tv special from National Geographic the other day. http://www.iptv.org/series.cfm/19718/killer_stress_national_geographic/ep:0 The topic was Killer Stress. It was fascinating. The showed measurable results not just theories. Key points I remember:

So, I am planning on cleaning my window.

I'm changing my perspective by changing what I am looking at.

Letter to Ted - Thanks Val!!!

2008-09-19T20:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Ted, I need you to read this letter slowly and think about everything I am trying to say to you. When you call we don’t have enough time to talk about these things which are so important to me. The definition of insanity is trying to solve a problem by always using the same approach and expecting different results. That is what we have been doing now for many years. Things have to change in order for us to save our marriage. I need you to listen to how you make me feel. I need some answers to my questions. Please think about what I just said before you read more. I love you very much otherwise I wouldn’t even bother writing you this letter. How would you feel if I just took off, left you with the boys, all the bills to pay, and you didn’t know where I went? Then when you did find me I am alone with a guy you never saw in your life. How would you react? This is just one of many examples of things you have done to me. What would you do if you were talking to different friends of ours and they told you things I said about you that were not at all true? What would you do if I confided in my X-husband John about our problems and even told him lies about you? I need you to really think about this and answer these questions. Ted, I have put my life on hold for you for how many years now? I honestly thought that after you were given another chance at life after you got out of prison, that you would be there for me and the boys. Instead you started using drugs and running off just a few months after you got out of prison. You left me doing the job of parenting the boys again. Dustin and Ryan didn’t know you when you got home from prison and then you abandoned them instead of really trying to be a dad. How are they supposed to feel? Then they see me running around trying to find you because I was worried that you were killing yourself. I spent entire nights not sleeping, going to work, and coming home too tired to be the kind of mom I needed to be. I let you back in the house even though the boys were angry, still hoping you would change. That didn’t work either. This is why we have to do something different in order for me to ever trust you again. I need you to do certain things in order to have a marriage. I am tired of giving you more chances and then getting slapped in the face again and again. I refuse to keep watching you continue to kill yourself. If you have ever loved me these are the things that you will do.1) As soon as you are done serving your time in prison you will go to an inpatient drug rehab. You will stay in there until the staff in rehab tell me that you are ready to leave.2) You will be honest with the staff at all times. They can’t help you if you don’t tell them what you need help with. Remember that if you are not honest with them it may take you longer to successfully complete their program.3) When the staff feel the time is right I will be a part of your rehab. If you have lied to them they will eventually find out by the things I say. 4) You need to cooperate and do all the things that they tell you to do in order to get better.5) When you are discharged from rehab you will attend a 12 Step program at least 5 days a week while I’m at work. You will have the person in charge of the meetings sign a paper to prove to me that you were really there.6) You and I will go to marriage and then family counseling. You need to do everything the counselor asks of you such as any assignments or parenting classes.7) You will stop talking about me behind my back. 8) You will not lie anymore about anything.9) I will do the parenting of Dustin and Ryan until you get your life under control.10) You will not take off without me knowing where you are going and what you are doing until I can trust you again.11) You will not use drugs again, and will do a UA when I ask you to without hesitation.12) If you don’t do these things you will leave our home without arguing with me. 13) You need to do everything your doctors tell you to do and take your medications. There have been many times I wish I wouldn’t have had to sleep on the couch and wanted to just snuggle up to you. As my husband you are supposed to protect me and support me emotionally. I felt that I had to detach myself from you to protect myself and my emotions. How could I just pretend everything is okay when I constantly wondered if you were being dishonest with me or if you were hiding things from me? I can’t do that anymore. Val told me that she asked you not to gossip about me, and to quit saying, "Don't tell Gail..." You agreed with her and said that you would quit doing that. Only 4 days later you started in all wound up and did it again. You bad mouthed me to her and told her lies. Then you told her not to tell me AGAIN. Why is it so hard for you to stop doing this? Val and I have done alot of talking and send each other emails. We started having a friendship when you were still in prison the last time. Val told me that several times when you talked to her you act like she knows you so well. Here is just an example, "Val, Gail doesn't care about keeping the house clean. YOU KNOW how I am about that. I hate having a messy house." Val told me that you say things like that to her alot, as though she knows you sooo well. She said that if she knows you so well she would have never dreamed that you would start lying and using again after you got out of prison. You were so sick with end stage liver disease and you go and start killing yourself. Like I already asked you, how would you feel if I went to my X-husband and bad mouthed you? EVERYTHING YOU SAY TO VAL OR DAN IS OUT IN THE OPEN. We have talked about this. There is a saying that, “The best way to predict future behavior is by the way someone has behaved in the past.” That is so true. Over and over you have proven that to me. This is why I need you to do these things so I can learn to trust you again. What kind of example has our marriage been to Dustin and Ryan? When they get married are they going to think it is okay to lie to their wife, leave her for several days and expect her to keep taking them back? Because of the example you have been to them they are at a high risk of doing this too. I can’t continue to allow them see me tolerate your negative behaviors and that our home is a revolving door for you to come and go as you please. One reason you need to go to counseling is because you are still having several issues about your childhood and the way your dad treated you. What do you think your kids are going to say about you when they get older? Does it bother you that they might say, “My dad was in prison during the times in our lives we needed him the most and then when he got out he chose his drugs and old habits over us?” It has been proven that when kids are rejected by a parent they feel very insecure about themselves. They are at a higher risk of turning to drugs or alcohol or might marry someone that isn’t good for them. Look at Dustin and Laura. Val has taken responsibility for her negative behaviors that impacted Laura’s life. I am not perfect either and regret leaving John the way I did. I should’ve divorced him before I even looked at you. You need to take responsibility though for the wrong things you’ve done to hurt the kids you brought into this world. You also need to take responsibility for the way you have treated me and make your lies right. I have tried so hard to be a good wife to you. Do you know what it feels like when someone tells me all the crap you’ve said about me? Some people just assume that I am going to divorce you. You’ve made a mockery of me and our marriage. What is love? It is a behavior and a commitment. During what was supposed to be the best years of my life I stayed true to you. I could’ve done what many women have done and cheated on you and lied to you for all those years you were in prison. Most women would’ve divorced you already. You are still doing to me what you did in your first marriage 26 years ago. Didn’t you learn anything from your past mistakes or are you going to continue to put most of the blame on someone else and not take responsibility for your part? People react to the way you’ve treated them. Val couldn’t put up with your lies and you smoking pot. I can’t either and I WON’T anymore. The insanity is going to stop. When you say things like, “Marriage is supposed to be forever,” you are right it is, but that doesn’t mean that a person has to be stomped on over and over. It is a very serious thing when a person looses trust in any relationship but especially in a marriage. I can’t take it when you try to manipulate me by saying, “I’m not the one who wants a divorce, Gail. Do you know what it’s like not to feel welcome in your own home? Do you know what it’s like to sleep in your car out in the cold?” Again, YOU need to take responsibility for the things you’ve done that made me make these decisions! I love you Ted, I REALLY DO! What more could I have done to prove that to you? I can’t get back all the years that have been wasted. You say that I’m your whole world. If that is true then I need you to act like it and stop saying it. Words don’t mean anything it is your behavior that says it all. Sometimes I wonder what you mean when you say, “Gail you are all that I have left.” Are you just staying with me because you have no other place to go? You have burned so many bridges with people who tried to help you in the past. Are you just using me? Because of your behavior sometimes I really think that all I’m good for is to support you and make sure you have a roof over your head. The saying that what a person does in their 20’s determines what they will be doing in their 40’s; what a person does in their 30’s determines what they will be doing in their 50’s and so on, IS VERY TRUE. The choices you and I made years ago are impacting our lives today. The marriage vows say to, “Love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, forsaking all others.” I have been doing my best to live up to those vows. Are the marriage vows for an addict supposed to say to, “Love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, forsaking all others INCLUDING DRUGS?” Ted, you can be such a sweet and loving husband. I appreciate all the many nice things you have done for me. I just can’t live though wondering if you are going to lie, use drugs, steal, go back to prison again, or even worse die. You need to find out why you sabotage your own life and drive away the people who have loved you or cared for you the most. Only you can figure out the answers as to why you do the things you have done. I can’t help you with this. Please read this letter several times and think about everything I’ve said, because I mean all of it. Love, Gail

2008-09-19T20:07:00.001-07:00

Sept 9, Tuesday
Got a letter from the school. Ryan is getting an f because he hasn’t been dressing down for p.e. I sat him down and aked him if he wanted to take drivers ed and get behind the wheel. I told him he can’t get any F’s if he wants me to shell out $300. So he is going to bring me homework sheets until I can replace his planner and he is going to show me his binder everyday and show me work from his classes. I told him we would look at the school website every night together to make sure he is on track. He was very cooperative and sweet about this. No defensive or hostile! It was great. Wonder of the cause. Is he just calming down since ted’s absence or is becca influencing him or is he just growing up and wants things out of life? Is the counseling helping? I know God hears my prayers! I like what is happening. I know Dustin has been praying for him too.
I have really been trying to remember to pray as often as I can regarding all my issues. I have committed to reading one faith book a month (I’ve actually read 3 already this month) and daily devotions like I used to. I really want to reclaim any ground that I’ve lost. I’ve been listening to a great message about living through the dying places and the 23rd psalm.
I ponder on all the times I kept up with my pursuit of ted and refusal to end things because I still loved him….like what was I waiting for ….did I think I had to wait until I didn’t have any feelings of love before I was able to end it….. when maybe putting a division in our relationship would’ve been a loving thing to do….and now…. I have no interest in what’s best for him….i’m simply exhausted and uninterested.
Becca and I went to work out for the first time in weeks. I have missed it. I didn’t know that I did until I got back on the stepper machine. It felt so good.
Ted called today even though he said he’d call Weds. He had an appt with a psychiatrist today and briefed him on his upbringing and substance abuse. The doctor said because there are so many people inside that he can only see ted once a month. He said he’d call me at 8pm …so this is already about 5 calls this month at only 3.50 each. The past few calls he kept asking if I’ve received his package yet. The package is an envelope with a list of items he’s allowed to have if I buy and have mailed to him directly form their catalog. Also enclosed was a list handwritten by him of clothes (the bare minimum, because he doesn’t want me to hurt for money)
Yesterday when he asked me again, “did you get the package?” I said, “Yes, I got the dang list!” he said he was sorry…. That would be the last list he ever gives me.
He just is looking forward to getting out of the clothes they have him in (even though it’s only for a few months). One f/call a couple of weeks ago he was so into his spiel about how bad he cold really use new shoes. His feet

update

2008-09-19T20:05:00.001-07:00

Update

2008-09-01T21:22:00.001-07:00

I got to speak to Dustin several times this weekend. He is in great spirits. He said the slump he was in is gone. He said he's been reading the Purpose Driven Life. He said there was a passage that says sometimes God will have "hands off" while we go through stuff to see how we do in times of testing and he thinks that is what he just experienced. He will be moving to Olympia on Tuesday and he is very excited. He'll need some prayer though. He really wants to get some Washington State I.D so he can work. But with all the time he's spent in and out he never was able to get his i.d. and he only has a school id from 2006 and we can't find his SS card. We only have a letter from Soc. Sec that verifies his number is his. So, please say a little prayer for him about that. He might really be bummed out if that gets ugly and he isn't able to earn some money.

Ryan and Becca survived their first week of school okay. There has been a lot of attitude flying around the past couple of days.....her grandma thinks she may be starting her period. Her granny has been sick and she also thinks that she might be coming down with what she has.

Ted had someone named Jimmy call and tell me they are transferring him to Stafford Creek prison in Aberdeen tomorrow morning. I guess it's the farthest point west .,.. right on the ocean. I have no idea why they chose that place for him. It's just a regular prison...not a medical facility. Although I'm sure they have a sick ward like the rest of them.

I am almost finished painting the dang hallway!!!! Woo Hoo! I just have to put the second coat on the bedroom doors. Then it's on to the next project. Which will keep me busy until it's time to vacuum up the leaves when they start falling because there will be plenty. I've had a very productive weekend and feel good about it. I read 3 books almost finished the painting, reorganized my file drawers thoroughly, washed all Ryan's clothes..... I feel good

Also, could you please pray that I find my Soc Sec card..... I need it in order to go donate plasma for extra money.

Laughter

2008-08-20T21:00:00.001-07:00

Have really enjoyed an abundance of laughter and am so grateful for it. I was thanking God for it, that I have the freedom to laugh. There have been so many points in history when there was no joy and it felt impossible for people to laugh. I think of different times in history like the holocaust, and in the bible times when God's people were slaughtered and exiled into enemy lands. I read that after the civil war it was considered horrible taste to show frivolity or even where any colors that were brighter than gray.

I have been reminded by loved ones to try and find something to laugh about each day because it is good for our bodies and gives us strength to get through. "The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength"

I am thankful that I have had so many times in my life where I laughed so hard I felt like my eyeballs were going to squeeze out of my head, my back and stomach ached, I couldn't catch my breath, and couldn't talk, with tears streaming down my fI ace.

I am so thankful that I've had those kinds of relationships, people that I could laugh with..and laugh HARD! I am TRULY, TRULY blessed!!!

Phone calls

2008-08-19T21:29:00.001-07:00

Ted called last night. He was worked up because he was worried I wouldn't be home when he finally was able to get to a phone. He explained how hard it is to get a chance to call. he said to never think he's not calling because he doesn't want to....it's only because he hasn't been able to. He said the thought of getting a chance to talk to me is all he has to look forward to...it's the high point of his day to race for a spot at the phones.

I had been suspicious, but it really helped when I visited a website called Prisontalk.com and got to read posts from other women whose loved ones were in the same facility and had many of the same questions/issues I have. They confirmed that the place really is a madhouse and it is a challenge to get a call more than once or twice a month. It is a neat website. It was great to read other womens' stories and I was even rewarded by being able to respond to a couple of posts and answer questions.

He said he was so worried he wouldn't get to talk to me that his heart was racing, stomach in knots, and his hair felt like it was standing on end when he heard my voice.
He started crying because he said he had me in my arms, he actually had me and he 'did it again'. He said he feels so bad for putting me through this again and he can't believe how stupid he is. He kept saying those things over and over again. He was crying for the remainder of the phone call. He said the reason he told me he was 'running around all day ' the other day when he missed two med calls and they checked on him and he told them he was too weak to make it...was because he had been having diarrhea nonstop and was wiped out...that was what he was busy doing all day and why he was weak.

He called me again tonight and said he doesn't want to run up the phone bill so he wants to make his calling attempts on every Monday, Weds and weekends if he is able. He said he's been doing a lot of thinking and wants to try selling on ebay like I was trying to show him...but he wasnt' interested at the time. He knows he has no other options for income since he's trashed his name in two towns now.

He said he knows he doesn't have much time left on this earth and he wants to spend it with me and the kids after he completes rehab. He started crying again and said his goal before he dies is for Ryan to give him a real firm hug. I let him ramble on for the majority of the call until he brought Ryan up. He asked if I thought that was possible. I told him it would be a long uphill thing that would take a lot of effort on his part because he's let Ryan down so many times. Ryan doesn't believe he's ever been sincere about changing and always held that it was just a matter of time before he'd pick the drugs over us again. Ted asked if I thought family therapy would help. I told him I didn't know if Ryan would be all that willing to do that with him, but he was serious about wanting Ryan's love it means a lot of healing is going to need to take place. It means that he might have to sit there and listen to Ryan tell him all the ways he has hurt him. For example, one hurtful memory Ryan has is when Ryan's kitten was having kittens Ted exploded and boxed up the kitty and her babies and took them away. Ryan has a lot of hurt over that and other things. Ted kept saying, he knew and he was sorry and started crying again and said all he can do is say he's sorry. It's all he can do. He just felt I was beating him up when he's said he's sorry. I told him he was wrong, that's not 'all he can do' ....he can listen to Ryan and take it on the chin and let him get it off his chest. Ryan doesn't believe anything he says, including "I'm sorry".
I don't know how much he really heard me say. It sounded like he heard it, "mechanicallly"....where he was just looking for the information or formula needed to make it happen. Like he wants a relationship with Ryan that is satisfying to him, even if Ryan's not going to feel satisfied. Maybe I'm reading him wrong.....

He said he's been going to church every Sunday as well as bible studies because it makes him feel good to be doing a good thing.

Regarding his health: Keep in mind, this is all according to Ted: he told me that he has been having bad diarrhea with yellow mucous. he has been requiring more than his usual allottment of diapers because of it and said they were refusing to give him what he needed so he filed a 'medical emergency' in order to be seen and get some.
He told me that he is not getting the help he needs even if that's what they are telling me. he said those people are lying to me and I need to call and raise hell. i told him i was not a hellraiser but would call and ask questions. He said that everytime he requests to be seen they just want to give him pain pills and he said he keeps refusing them ...and he does sound like he's clear-headed.
He said he is not in the wheelchair anymore. He said they kept offering it to him and then taking it back so he decided to let them keep it. He said one Nurse Practitioner is now refusing to see him. He said he doesn't know why. I asked him if it was because he was throwing fits. He said, 'no' ... I repeated the question firmly three times and finally he conceded, "maybe a little". He then went on to justify it by telling me that they werent' giving him enough diapers and the Nurse that was refusing to give him what he needed now has a "no contact" order on him (a restraining order in prison!!!)
He said he doesn't have any conduct reports and just knows he can keep his record clean for the remainder of his time. If he doesn't, they can make him do the whole year and a day.

He said he feels great, strong and reported no other health concerns. He says he's still healing up really quick whenever he gets a cut or anything. He said he doesn't know when he'll get transferred because now there is an "Administrative Hold" on him.... which led him to repeat the need for me to call and find out what is going on.

In the meantime, John has called me 3 times since yesterday. I missed all the calls. He finally left me a message and said he was just seeing how I was doing. I thought he was calling because he found out I was visiting Dustin, but he didn't mention it in his message. I won't return his call.

Well, I think that's enough for one day.

I will try and get the picture of Dustin and Ryan's visit today posted.

Hope you all are doing well!! Good night.

Vist Dustin ...Ryan registering for High School

2008-08-19T20:50:00.001-07:00

Becca, Ryan, and I left at 6 am this morning to drive to Parke Creek to visit Dustin. It was so fun. We laughed the entire 2 1/2 hours we were there. He got another week added to his stay because he got caught getting a homemade tattoo on his deltoid. It was going to be DJM in Old English letters but he only got the D and half the J when he got caught. He played foosball with his brother and then he played ping pong with me. I whupped his rear end :) I really miss him. He was so happy to get to see his brother and Becca. He said they are going to try and get him to go to a different group home when he leaves, Twin Rivers, because it'll be closer to home. I don't know where that is located though. Will have to research. Even though he was great today, he had been down in the dumps acouple of days ago before he got his tattoo. When he told me about his tattoo today, I asked him why he did that.....because he only had 10 days left before he left and he knew he would get in trouble and told him he needed to watch out for the "f-it Dustin" that's what he calls himself when he gets overwhelmed and depressed and then acts out self-destructively. I talked to his counselor a little bit about it tonight so he could help him cope when he stars heading down the downward spiral of despair so he doesn't do things to make it worse.
So, after the visit we made the 3 hour drive back and went straight to the high school to register Ryan. My baby starts HIGH SCHOOL next week!!!!!!! I can't believe it. We weren't sure what we were supposed to be doing and everytime I asked someone he was soooooo embarrassed...just mortified.... which manifested as anger...which was not a lot of fun, but I tried to just blow it off as his extreme nervousness. He's going to High School!!!!
He and Becca have an appointment with George (the counselor) tomorrow and Becca's grandma is taking her to register for middle school.
It was quite the red letter day today. I am exhausted.

A couple of pictures

2008-08-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

On On the top is Dustin, 2 days before he turned 18 in April of this year . He is holding his kitty, Lucy. He's had her since he was 8 y.o. We had just got her back from the Vet where she was groomed and had her ears lanced.

The bottom picture is Ryan, about 5 years ago. That would make him about 9 years old. He was camping with the Men's group from church out in the cooold. Sooooo cute!

Peace Please

2008-08-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon Becca and I returned to home after working out and stopping at Safeway and was surprised to see 3 police cars parked on our street. They weren't parked directly in front of our house...but about 40 feet away. As I was pulling up one of the officers stopped me and addressed me by name and asked if I could tell him about Ryan's whereabouts all day. I did and he said they were following up on reports of boys throwing rocks at cars. He was satisfied with my answer and apparently they already knocked on our door and spoke to Ryan and he had told them the same thing I did. He had an ironclad alibi.

I don't know what kind of information they had that made them question Ryan. It started me wondering about Ryan's future. Is always going to be first looked at whenever something bad happens because of Ted and Dustin's history? Then I wondered the same about Dustin. Dustin will be home in November and although he is changed will he always be the first the police look at? How many years do I have to look at police cars in front of my house and endure questioning about my loved ones? I'm not blaming the police....I would probably tend to think the same way if I were them. The drama holds no charm for me. Are my kids always going to live under a cloud of suspicion? Do I need to move for the kids? That's a monumental decision.

I keep hearing stories of how people have such a struggle getting the police to get involved in trouble they are having when they're loved ones, particularily loved ones with addiction are acting up..... I have not experienced a lack of police presence in our lives.

Ted has not called ...he said he was going to. So, after the Hospice talk with the Nurse Practioner, I was worried that things got worse. I called the prison and spoke with Dean (he is the patient/medical inmate go-between) and he said that Ted has not suddenly taken a turn for the worse. In fact, they had discharged him yesterday from the sick ward. I asked if he was discharged because he got into trouble and had to go to isolation again. He said no, they don't do that to the sick inmates. So, I said, "Okay, I'll quit worrying and wait for a phone call then." That was several days ago and he still hasn't called.

I feel like I am not getting a clear, consistent, or accurate picture of the reality of Ted's condition. Is he just feeling a little under the weather or is he on his last leg. I know I can't take his report at face value....because he manipulates for sympathy or whatever.....he also gets very scared and panicky sometimes and see his situation is a much more dramatic light. I don't think the medical personnel are used to someone like him and so they can't give me an accurate picture either. I will be glad when 1. I am granted visiting privelages and can size him up for myself and 2. He is moved to a place with personnel who can tell me better.

One curious thing ....the day they admitted him to sick ward he called in the evening and asked if I knew what was going on and I told him that they checked on him and he told them he missed two 'calls' because he was too weak to leave his cell...so they admitted him. When I was talking to him he didn't want me to worry and when I told him he didn't sound good he said he was tired because he had been up since 6:30 in the morning and had been busy all day, 'running around'?

Update - Whirlwind few days... Choosing Peace

2008-08-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

Last week I spoke to Ted's counselor for a long time. He said he is putting an expedition on Ted's transfer to the prison that's a nursing home but it still could take 4-6 more weeks. I was surprised that it would take so long since the last emergency call from Ted sounded so dire and when the Nurse Practitioner (NP) requested a compassionate release for him, which was denied. I asked the counselor and he said, "Oh, no,no, no, don't worry, he is fiiinnnne"

He spent a lot of time encouraging me. He told me that it's never a waste to love someone. He is a christian man. I've been so very impressed with all the kindness and respect that has been shown to me by every member of the staff that I have interacted with. They all have gone way out of their way to help me with anything. I have to write a letter to the Warden and tell him.

Ted called that night (Thurs) and sounded fine. Then I didn't hear from him again all weekend.

Dustin called and said that he didn't want me to visit him on Saturday because the facility rules are that you have to have a family counseling session on Saturday and so we would not get a visit. So, I made plans to visit him on Sunday. Becca and I got up early and went to a few yard sales and ran errands all day and didn't get home until evening. We found a yard sale that had a lot of brand new, nice clothes that were her size. She has no family contributing right now and school is starting and clothes are so important to a 7th grade girl, so I bought her a bunch of dresses, jeans, etc from the yard sale. She was very happy.

Sunday Ryan and Becca went with her Grandma to drop her brother off at her uncles house. I borrowed Becca's Grandma's (Suzie) car to take to Ellensberg to see Dustin. My car overheated halfway up the Clarkston hill the other day so I dare not drive it all the way to Ellensberg.

I had such a hard time getting it together as I was leaving. I was so scatterbrained and kept remembering I forgot something each time I thought I was ready to leave. I felt like I had dementia. The drive was frustrating. I ended up behind slow cars all the way. Then I wasted about 30 minutes around Othello because I couldn't remember if I was supposed to turn there. I finally arrived at the rehab only about 5 minutes late.

I got inside and Dustin swooped up on me and gave me a huge hug. He looked awesome. His face very bright and shiny. Big Smile all the time. The two hour visit passed quickly as we chatted, played ping pong, and foosball. It was such a great visit. He talked a lot about funny memories he had from childhood. In the past as part of the different rehab programs he's been in they've asked him to share a favorite childhood memory and he always said he didn't have any memories of his childhood.

Then I got back into Suzie's car and found the battery dead because I had left the headlights on in my hurry. A couple of counselors came out to help and we opened the hood and didn't know where the heck the battery was. We had to look at pictures in the owner's manual. Then we had the same problem when the guy who was giving me a jump lifted his hood. I spilled my pop all over me as I was flipping through the pages of the manual.

Got home around 8:30 and Suzie called and said she and the kids would be back in town around 10:30 and if I could help her get her car to the mechanic shop. It was a very long day that Sunday.

Monday. Jan Morgan, ARNP called and spoke to me about Ted. She said she is very worried about him. She said he looked good on Thurs when she saw him last. She got a report on Monday that he missed 2 meals and so checked on him and he was too weak in his cell to do anything. So, she admitted him to the Infirmerary and asked me what I thought about Hospice. I asked her if she thought he wasn't going to make it until the end of his sentence and she said 'don't worry, he should be just fine.....as long as he doesn't get any infections' It seemed a little contradictory to me. I thought, 'well, this prison is just a pit-stop facility where just prepare inmates to transfer on to appropriate prisons and they are working on getting him to a facility that has real medical care....so, this could be just because they're not well practiced in dealing with people as sick as Ted..... so, hopefully the transfer will happen soon and we can talk to people who are more experienced and familiar with end of life issues." Ms. Morgan said that as of Thursday he didn't have a UTI and that the last time he had one it seemed to clear up fine with the Abx. I told her I was concerned about his potassium and amonia levels and she said she'd run those tests daily. When I asked her why he couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair she said she thinks it's by his choice due to the difficulty of walking around the prison with a legbag. She said his cellmate, Vinnie, pushes him around everywhere he needs to go.

Then he called last night and said he wasn't told why he was going to the sick ward and asked me to fill him in. He didn't want me to cry and said he promises he will not die in prison. He said he is now hoping they will transfer him to Monroe prison so he'll be close to the University and they will help him get put on the transplant list. He said he is reading a book about Healing from God but doesn't remember the title or author. I told him that I love him with all my heart but am very, very angry with him because if he had done what he was supposed to he might actually already have his new liver. He said he is angry with himself and said he is very sorry. He said he will call me tonight so I can yell at him some more. In the meantime I will write to the Warden and ask if my application to visit can be rushed instead of taking the standard 4-6 weeks to process.

Call from Ted

2008-08-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

I spoke with Ted's counselor today. I had to tried to call him earlier in the week, but he said he was waiting until he actually met with Ted before he called me back. I caught him just as he was leaving his office to go assess Ted. A little bit later he called me direct and asked if I wanted to speak to Theodore. He sounded physically awful but mentally good. He sounded really rough and tired. He said his platelet count is 25 and his amonia level is like 250.... I'll have to call his doctor and see. He said the doctor tried to get him released early because of his medical issues but they wouldn't do it because of his assault charge.

They just took him for an ultrasound yesterday he said because there is still blood in his urine.

He said he's tried to call several times but he keeps getting a message about the recipients funds are insufficient....which I have no idea what that would mean because the calls are collect and I pay Verizon for them.

He said he is trying to get moved to the prison by Yakima. It's a nursing home setting. It was so hard to hear him like that. Even though he sounded so rough, his tone with me was so calm, warm and gentle....it was just loving.....and now I can't stop crying.